I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY

This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?

MY ANXIETY

I have a problem, and it's a problem that I am still in denial with.

I have anxiety but I don't consider mine as a critical one because I know those who has it far worse than mine. But still, it is a problem and it might be worse than what I thought. And it's a problem that I can't fully accept even until today.

Both my doctors and my counselor said that I have anxiety, specifically "performance anxiety", as told by my counselor. I'm on antidepressant (Lexapro━a type of SSRI) now and thank God the side effects are gone. The first few weeks were hell for me. I was nauseous. I lost my appetite. I vomited. I was really drowsy after taking the pill. I couldn't do work. I was bed-ridden the first week of taking it. There were times when I didn't want to take it all because I didn't want to feel sick. And there were times I felt like I wanted to take more than one pill because I want my body to get used to it as soon as it could. But thank God it's all over now. My body has adapted to it. Goodbye nausea! But now I'm also taking Valium. It relaxes my muscles from continuously feeling tensed. It helps me get a good sleep.  I haven't had any good sleep in the past month. Sometimes I take a pill or two if I'm starting to feel on edge. But sometimes I don't take it because I don't want to be reliant on it.

A LETTER FOR MY YOUTH

With the Queensland fam at National Aspiration Leadership Summit 2016.

We're so used to hearing that youths' voice can change the future but have we ever used it for a better cause?

It's sad to see a country falling apart economically and politically and it's sad to know that its youth aren't interested to know more about politics and economics. I understand where they're coming from. Things are getting out of hand and they don't know who and where they can put their faith into.

I know that they want to serve their country and make their people proud. I know that they really want to make their home a better place. And I know they're eager to realize a visionary future. A youth is capable of doing so many things beyond their capability. Yeah sure, there are risks involved but with the many resources available, the youth now is ready to take on any challenge they face and make sure they succeed in it.

As a youth myself, I hope that I can contribute something to my country. I hope to change our society's mindset to something more progressive that can assist us in realizing our dreams (and ultimately, Wawasan 2020). I hope there will be more faith tolerance and religious dicsussions. I want our society to be open to learn and understand something new. I hope our youth will use their inquisitive mind and curiosity to question about everything and anything they can. I hope that our youth will read more and sensationalize less about petty things in order to get a better comprehension of important matters.

I want them to know that in today's world, everything is a domino effect and the slightest change can affect us (and sometimes, affect us greatly). Be it change in US foreign policy, or a country deciding to no longer join a regional association like ASEAN. I want them to understand that in today's worl, everything is interconnected, and that includes our youth too.

We have to change our mentality and we have to see the bigger picture. Enough condemning things that are unfamiliar because right now, is the perfect time for us to learn, understand and appreciate. We might not have as much time as we have now when we're older. So consume time wisely and persevere through all the hardships we're currently going through. We will learn and we will be stronger and we deserve a better future; a future shaped by our very own youth. 

Have a nice day ♥

2016 RECAP

WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD.

Hello! I know it's already the 8th of January but I hope it's not too late to reflect on 2016 and highlight its greatest moments and the lessons I've learnt from it.

1. Appreciate the friends you have

This January alone, most of the people I am very close to and confide to the most are leaving me (sobs 😭😭😭). They've graduated last December and now, are ready to move on to a new phase in their lives (leaving me behind, of course). I've done so many things with them in 2016. I've hung out with them, shared things with them, explored new places with them, laughed with them, traveled with them and endured each others' lamest jokes together.

It's not like I'm not going to see them at all after this. I will, I really hope I will but things will be different since we'll have jobs and other obligations. It will not be the same like how it used to be. And that's one fact that I don't like but I have to face it.

I'm going to miss seeing these faces late night at the library and sharing a big halal snackpack together at the pantry. I'll miss the days where we'd talk about the most random things and share personal stuff over coffee (tea for me). These people have always had their faith in me in all the things I've done when I couldn't even believe in myself. They've been there for me during my highs and lows for a whole year, and now I've to go through another year without them.

I've learnt and shared so much from and with them. It's great to have a group of people that share the same views, have the same interest (almost) and am always down to help you when you need it the most. I not only got to know about them, I also got to know myself more because of the things we've done together. They have become my family here and they're definitely my "home away from home".

PET PEEVES: DIRTY KITCHEN

If you know me, you know how impatient I can be at times. And if you really know me and follow my tweets, you know that I always rant about my kitchen almost everyday. I cannot stand a dirty kitchen.

I am renting an apartment with 4 other girls and the kitchen is the most used common space in the house. You would assume that the kitchen is always neat and tidy since everyone uses it. But it's not. If you want me to get mad in a split-second, you should mess up the kitchen or not wash your dishes or not wiping the counters and stove or sweeping the kitchen floor after using it. It has never fail to piss me off. I cannot stand having a dirty kitchen.

I rarely cook and most of the time, I find myself cleaning the kitchen when I wanted to cook in the first place. I can't stand seeing both of my sinks full with unwashed dishes that are left for 2 days or more. I hate it when people just stack newly washed dishes on dry ones. And I really hate it when they don't arrange the dishes properly. I can't stand seeing grains or any spills on the counters or the stove. I can't stand walking in the kitchen when you can feel a lot of dusts or grains on the floor. I can't even stand being in the kitchen if the floor is oily. If all these things are not being attended to by the person responsible, I would do it. And I would make sure everything is cleaned before I start using the kitchen because I cannot stand using a dirty kitchen.

To me, it's common sense for you to wash your dishes after using it or immediately wipe a spill on the counter. But I don't know what's up with these people. I don't know why can't they do it. I'm pretty tired of always cleaning up after everyone else. At times it feels like I'm the kitchen maid, always washing up after everyone else. Earlier on, I am fine doing everyone's dishes. But now, I'm not because it's making some people irresponsible  and not using their common sense to wash after their mess. And it's gotten to a point where my morning starts with me ranting about how dirty and unorganized the kitchen is. It's not the best way to start my day and I pretty much hate it. I cannot stand having a dirty kitchen.

We are living in a house together but are we really living in a house together if it's only one person that's always cleaning up the kitchen? I'm paying the bills just like everyone else but it's not fair if I'm the only one taking care of the kitchen. Does this mean that everyone else is fine with a dirty kitchen but not me?

Have a nice day ♥

MASCA QUEENSLAND 2015/2016

Hi guys,

I just want to share my experience being a part of MASCA Queensland in hopes that it will inspire you to be a part of an incredible community.

Before I was in MASCA, I had no idea how Corporate Relations works. The only thing I know is that they are responsible to get sponsors. I had little to no experience in that field and I never thought I would get the hang of it.

I wanted to be a part of MASCA but I wasn't sure what position should I run for. I remember asking Hairul Hafiezul what position that suits best and straight away he answered, "CR". I wasn't confident with that position so I continued to ask him about the job scope of other positions, and I thought "hmmm maybe I can do Student Empowerment and it looks fun". But Hairul just kept on pushing me for CR.

THE 'CUBE' TEST

I took this test 3 years back. A Petrosains colleague of mine asked me and I was so fascinated by it because it got everything right. Now, this test has resurfaced on Facebook and it is popular ever since Buzzfeed posted it. Go and try out the test. Here are my answers and tbh, it has not changed since I was first asked this.

The cube (ego)

My answer: My cube is big and is made out of glass. It's just right above the ground, maybe like 5 inches above. Looks like it's floating on one of its corner.

What does it mean? I have a big ego and am very open to people. I'm maybe grounded (?) because my cube's floating lol.

The ladder (friendships)

My answer: The ladder is leaning on the cube. The ladder is made out of wood, some sturdy wood just in case I need to climb it.

What does it mean? My friends can lean on me for support (yasss hehe) and I have a sturdy relationship with people (I like to think this way too but I don't think my bonds are strong).

The horse (relationships)

My answer: The horse is free, not strapped to anything and nothing strapped to it. It's just standing there, basking in the sun.

What does it mean? I don't want more control in my relationship and I don't like my relationships wild.

The flowers (kids)

My answer: The flowers are a lot. Not too many but quite a few lot. The flowers are sort of surrounding the floating cube.

What does it mean? Yesss I want a lot of kids but not like 10, having 4-6 kids would be just nice. I am thinking about kids but that's not what I'm thinking about most these days.

The storm (stress)

My answer: The storm is somewhere in the distance. Looks like it's approaching me. I'm pretty neutral about it because mehh, mother nature.

What does it mean? It's not near so I am not THAT stressed. Yet.

What are your answers? Does it say a lot about you?

Have a nice day ♥

A NASTY MORNING THOUGHT

This photo of a sunflower field was taken by the writer at Toowoomba, QLD in January 2016.

It has been raining for close to 5 hours now in Brisbane and it's not showing any signs of stopping anytime soon. I was woken up by sounds of slamming and banging, and things breaking. So I headed out to the living room with my roommate (woke my roommate up because I was scared of the dark and it was storming outside, which scared me more) to check if our things at the balcony are safe.

After that, I couldn't sleep anymore. I was having some really nasty thoughts in my head.

You see, it's June now (a.k.a. my favorite month of the year cuz you know *wink*) and I had two classmates back in school that had birthdays two days and a day before mine. So 6th, 7th and 8th of June will be like a triple birthday celebration for our class and our batch.

But the thing is, I felt betrayed by the girl who was born on the 6th of June. Why? She didn't like me and personally, I felt that she caused all the troubles I faced  in school when I was 13.

I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER

I think I just need to get this off of my chest before I start doing my overdue assignments.

I have been very anxious lately. It's not just about being anxious with my assignments, it's also about being anxious with my commitments. I've been worrying so much with my MASCA work until I neglected my studies, which has made me more anxious. And now, I am managing, well indirectly managing 2 sports, 3 sports for Queensland MASA Games team. I'm mostly searching for players but I never knew it can be so stressful. I'm worried if  MASCA Queensland's upcoming events would fail and I feel like I have a responsibility to not make it a failure. I feel accountable most of the time, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way.

I have neglected my studies so bad. I didn't submit one minor essay. I did not do 2 of my weekly policy briefs. I have an overdue major essay which amounts up to 45% of my grade. I have an essay due tomorrow that is still in its draft form. But I can't make myself do any of it. Idk how to write a proper essay anymore. I can't understand whatever I read. I feel like I have to restart all my essay writing skills but it's too late now. I'm just hoping to pass all to my subjects :<

Tbh, I never knew I could worry so much. At most of times, I can just jump into another topic without signalling the people involved in the conversation. I can't focus because I'm focused on a lot of things. I can laugh or/and cry so easily now (even cat videos make me cry). It's pretty obvious that my head's wrapped around so many things that I wish to resolve all at once but I can't. And all of this makes me more anxious.

I don't have anxiety attacks. In fact, I don't know how they are like. But I do get my nightmares whenever I sleep. So, I've never had a proper, fully rested kind of sleep. This has made me more tired, and I sleep a lot now. Sooooo, the cycle continues.

I feel like there's something missing but idk what it is. I know I have to get my shit together. I cannot fail a subject. I must pass. But I don't think I'm able to :< I feel like I've let myself down because I couldn't manage my time properly and for taking up a lot of work that I know I can't handle.

I'm not saying being a part of MASCA is a bad thing. It's definitely not. But I find it unfair that some of us are doing a lot more than anyone else. I feel pressured because I am responsible for getting more money for this organization but I can't do anything about if people turn down my offer. I do feel responsible for bringing in a lot of opportunities for the students here because they have so much potential and they can contribute a lot to a company and I don't want that to go to waste. But I have to refine my search area and search for organizations that are a bit more viable. And as much as I say that I will be away from any MASCA-related work, we all know it's a lie. I tried muting the Whatsapp group for a week but I just had to spam the group with irrelevant (they are relevant to me) things on the second day. Ha ha ha.

I don't want to fail but it's too late to do anything about it now. I think all I can do is soldier up and do well for my finals. I just want to pass.

Have a nice day ♥

I WANNA BE A BILLIONAIRE, SO FREAKING BAD

Whitsunday Island, QLD. Thanks Momentum for hooking me up with gorgeous views like this.

Today, I headed to the city after class with my good friend, Aidiq. On our way back, we stopped by a convenience store so that I can reload my Go Card (Queensland's version of Touch n' Go but can only be used for public transports). We saw a scratchie and written on it was, "if you're lucky, you just might win $1,000,000!". We thought that it'd be pretty sick if we just buy one, and who knows we might just get lucky. But we didn't buy it because 'judi' is haram, my brothers and sisters.

While on or way to the bus stop to head back home, Aidiq asked me what will I do if I received a million dollars. And it had me thinking... this could be a great blog post, just talking about all the things I want to do with the money lol. I know it sounds like a really bad post but I just have to do this since I'm trying my best to blog more now hehe.

"Apa kau nak buat dengan duit tu eh? Kalau convert pun, kau dapat around hmm, MYR3,000,000. Banyak gila kot duit tu."

#LIFEUPDATE 2

Sunrise at The Esplanade, Newcastle. NSW. Photo was taken during our roadtrip from Brisbane to Melbourne in Spring Break 2016.

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Not like a lot of people are reading this though but at least you know I'm still actively trying to blog.

It's Week 5 of the semester and submissions are starting to dawn upon us uh-oh. Workload's getting heavier after a week of break. I'll blog about my Easter break in another post coming soon. So far, so good for me. I have one submission this week and another one next week, both are a 1k word essay. It's pretty hard than what you think it is because you gotta be able to construct concise sentences when you have so many ideas to talk about. Last semester, I had to do an 800 word essay and I swear it will be an essay I will never want to do again because 800 words is so little, it's so limited. I just can't....

I'm trying out this new diet (?) if you can consider it as a diet. I have managed to, unconsciously, not eat chicken for 6 days straight a week before Easter Break. So, I pretty much think I can do it again. I'm trying to test myself and see how far I can go without chicken in a week.

Also, I can't believe it's April now. Time flies so fast when you're having fun. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I am having fun despite having to fulfill my duties as a MASCA representative and a student. I think I can find balance between work and my study. I actually like dong my CR work, to be honest, but it has slowed down because classes have started. As much as I 'membebel' it to Azmir, we all know how much I love it. I feel dedicated and obliged to bring in the best opportunities for my students here in Queensland. Although Queensland does not have many students like Victoria and New South Wales, but I will not let that be a reason for me to stop pulling in more opportunities for the students here. We have a lot of great talents here in Queensland, I just need to find the right ones (and interested ones, too) to allow them to expand and unleash their potential.

On a personal note, I like where I am today. I'm not fully contented but I'm fairly satisfied with what I have. I'm happy with the people that I'm surrounded with. I'm truly blessed to have known these wonderful people and for having them around when I need them. It's gonna be hard for me when they graduate because they're not gonna be physically around (and also I'm a cry baby). And I'm also very happy with the person I'm with now. It's still early but at least we're working towards one mutual goal. And I like the fact that we're so different, we complement each other really well. And I'm just really happy now. He's the most adorable thing on Earth, cats coming in second lol.

Have a nice day ♥

#LIFEUPDATE 1

I know I haven't been writing anything for so long. I have so many things I want to write and share, but I never really had the chance (and time) to finish it. I am sacrificing my sleep time just to blog because I miss blogging, I swear. I have like 10 drafts but I never had the time to finish it ☹

DO YOU SEARCH FOR LOVE OR WILL IT COME TO YOU?

There's this saying that goes "jodoh takkan ke mana" and "kita kena berusaha mencari jodoh" in the Malay culture. To me, I find it contradictory to one another but there is truth to it. Let me explain the contradictory part first and then how it correlates to one another.

In Islam, we believe that Allah has destined who we will end up with, hence explaining the first saying. It doesn't matter who we are with, if it has been written by Allah; therefore, it is meant to be. If, for example, A and B hates each other so much that they will just bicker whenever they see each other in public or even in their dreams—obviously nobody would expect them to be on good terms unless a miracle happens. Both of them thinks that they're not perfect for each other because of their obvious differences in everything and anything. But if Allah has destined that they both are soulmates, well, wherever and whenever they go, they will still end up with each other (although not physically) because that is the beauty of Allah's power. It's something indescribable but really amazing at the same time because He is the Most Amazing Planner of all and He knows what's best for us although we think it's not (the A and B example). And who are we to argue?

However, the second saying means that we have to work for it in order to get it (somehow like that). I think we all can understand what it means because with effort, you will go somewhere and get something. In this phrase—from my understanding, it tells you to not fully rely on Allah to find your soulmate. Don't get me wrong but what I meant is that you can't expect to find your soulmate if you only wait for it while watching TV at home—your soulmate wouldn't even know of your existence lol. You gotta go out, mingle, get to know people and hopefully stumble upon your right one.

Both of these phrases contradict because one tells you to rely on God but the other (sort of) tells you to not fully rely on Allah.

But, how does these two phrases work with each other? Muslims believe in Qada' (things that cannot be changed i.e, death, Qiyamat, soulmates, etc.) and Qadar (things that can be changed i.e, status, level of faith, etc.). Like I've mentioned earlier, if Allah has written what is meant for us, then there are no means for us to change it. However, in order to find the right one, you have to know and get through a lot of people. And sometimes, when you find the right one, it might be at the wrong time or place. So, you have to put some effort—apart from relying solely on Allah to provide what is best for you—in order to meet that person again, hopefully in the right settings. Another example would be C and D. C is in love with D but never really had the guts to say it to D while D is being oblivious to how C feels towards D. If, let's say, God fated these two together, there will come a time for either C or D, or both perhaps, did something (effort—Qadar) that ended up with those two being together because if it's meant to be by God, then surely it will be (Qada'). Maybe not now, maybe later. I don't know. We don't know.

In Islam, we were taught to rely on Allah despite whatever circumstances but we were also taught to put in effort in what we do. Whatever is the outcome, we have to accept it (Redha) because that is what Allah has planned for us. I remember a teacher of mine back in school taught me the four letters we should always remember. It was:

• D (Du'a)
• U ('Usaha' or effort in English)
• I ('Ikhtiar' or endeavour/initiative)—IDK what 'Ikhtiar' really is in English but this is what Mr. Google said
• T ('Terima' or accept)

What D.U.I.T. means is that we have to put in effort and if all fails, search for another initiative to reach our goal (U and I—lol at this!). At the same time, we must also supplicate, pray and always remember Allah while achieving our goals (D). Then, whatever the results are, we must wholeheartedly accept the decision that Allah has agreed upon (T or also known as Redha).

I deeply apologize if my examples aren't clear enough as I am also learning about how this works out. But basically, just stick on to the idea that if it's meant to be, it is meant to be but it will only be if we do something about it. Just like trying to win a competition. Situation A: If you don't put in effort, then it will not be that you will win first place. Situation B: You put in a lot effort but still didn't grab top spot. Both situations are highly relatable to everyone but we can see the difference it makes. In A, you would obviously do so much to reach your goal but in B, maybe you'll try again next time or in another competition. Same goes like 'jodoh'. Situation A is you putting effort if you want it/found the right one. Situation B is more like if things don't work out, maybe that person is not for you or maybe both of you are not ready.

Please correct me if I'm wrong or feel that there needs to be some addition to this. I am open to your opinions and ideas as I also want to grow my faith as a Muslim to my religion. Feel free to drop a comment!

Have a nice day ♥

NOW EXCUSE ME IF I SOUND RUDE

Back then, I always had this aspiration to learn more about Islam. Maybe take up Syariah or learn about the history of Islam. I guess it's because I thought that if I know more about Islam, I would eventually fall in love with it and lead a life just how Allah wants us to do. Just like the Malay saying goes, "tak kenal, maka tak cinta" (to love is to know). Islam itself has so many branches underneath it, even if I had an eternal lifetime to learn all of it, I doubt I would have learned it all. However, the history of Islam is what I am most interested in. I get to learn about what the people did back then in order to fight for their religion. I get to know what our scholars and warriors did to develop not just the religion, but also its believers. I want to know what made us fall so bad 'til it's difficult for us to get back up and be strong like how we were back then (I heard we conquered 1/3 of the world. WOW!). I want to find out how the pioneers of Islam had the motivation to do what they did because it's truly amazing how they could sacrifice themselves for Islam—because I find that hard to do. And if I could and have all the money in the world, I would definitely love love love to travel to countries and cities that has traces of Islam such as Spain, Turkey, Cordoba, Granada, Iran, Saudi Arabia (obvs you can't miss this), and many more.

But I remember how a lot of people gave me odd stares and a lot of people told me that it will never work because of how I am—not that pious, of course. They told me to fix myself first, then go chase after that dream. They said that it was impossible for me to embrace what I learn if I don't change. But the thing is, the fact that I wanted to learn more about my religion showed that there is a want in me to change, but most probably not in a route that people usually take. What they had said to me really discouraged me from pursuing my dream. It deterred me from wanting to know more. It doused the passion in me to fall in love with my religion. Because of that, I forget my desire to learn and look where I am now. I believe that I am nowhere close to God nor would I get to smell the beautiful scent of Jannah. Islam is beautiful but unfortunately, some of its people are not painting it in a good color.

A lot of things went through my mind. I question why did they do that to me back then? Why did you not believe that I could change? Why did you told me to quit dreaming? Was having a dream to learn about Islam, although the way I appear is not similar to what you think a Muslimah should be, is wrong? What was it about my dream that was so different than who I am? Was it really peculiar that just because I don't look pious, it means that I am forbidden to learn about my religion?

I didn't like how my own peers discouraged me. It wasn't even productive anyway. I understood that one of the ways for us to perform jihad is by learning and gaining knowledge and I believed—note, it is no longer a big passion or desire—that with my dream, I'll gain a whole new set of understanding and experience and perhaps, get a more solid grasp on Islam itself. Despite the fact that I am not having the same aspiration that I used to have before, I'm still trying to change but it's a bit harder because I don't have that number one drive that makes me want to not take my time. I am really, really taking my time and I swear trying to change the way I dress is hard (especially when clothes nowadays are mostly transparent, tight and/or cropped). But I'll soldier on and learn to dress modestly—what I meant by modest is wear more clothes that doesn't show my body shape i.e, loose clothes. I'm doing it step by step, I'm just uncertain of how long this thing would take for me to change, accept and embrace.

I urge people out there to not stop people from dreaming or from pursuing something just because their appearance and character do not resemble exactly like their dream. Humans have different motivations and different reasons. They have distinctive behaviors and characteristics. Just because they don't fit into your view of what a matter should be, does not mean they should be completely shut out from it. In fact, why stop them if their dream is for something better? Be supportive and don't be hostile to them. You can never know if your words can completely kill someone's dream (and that's bad on so many levels!). So, take a lesson to what had happened to me. It's such a shame that I no longer have a profound interest in the history of Islam. It's such a waste of time telling someone that they can't do something just because you cannot measure their ability in doing it (what am I saying?). Really, just be supportive and never say "NO!" to anyone's dream—unless it's a bad dream that is against moral values and religion or whatever that makes it a bad one, then please stop them from pursuing it.

Hopefully, you'll get my point and understand what I am trying to share, Remember, spread positivity and kill negativity.

Have a nice day☺

#INSECURITY: SHOULD YOU DO THIS FOR THE IDEAL BODY?

Hi guys. This is going to be a quite serious topic because I'm going to talk about insecurities, particularly about your body. I've heard stuffs about girls starving themselves or eat a little, teensy-weensy piece of food just to get this ideal body that society deems as perfect.

I have this friend, who is going on this diet because that person thinks that the body that person has is fat—and it is so not! I cannot name what kind of diet it is or else, some people would know who I'm talking about—and that ain't good for me and for that person. We don't mind about if that person wants to go on a diet, but the thing that worries us the most is the "diet". That person, currently, only consumes veggies and fruits. Just fibers. No protein or carbs—even fat to that matter! But here's the thing. After doing extensive research—well not that deep, but just getting to know what the diet and all diets make you eat—I found out that her "diet" is wrong.

Now let's bring us back to the time where we learnt about the Pyramid of Foods. I don't think I should explain to you how it is because it's practically a basic thing that we all must know. Again, MUST know. But for the sake of wanting to make this post look a bit more serious, I'll just share to you the essentials of the pyramid. At the topmost hierarchy would be fats, followed by proteins, carbohydrates and fibers respectively. As you go up the pyramid, you should consume less. Now, coming back to the "diet", can you see where it went wrong?

YES, CORRECT!

I know you didn't notice but if you did, claps and pats for you. Yay!

The "diet" is missing out 3/4 of the essential nutrition that the body needs. That person is losing fats, proteins and carbohydrates, which is as important as fiber and minerals. It worries us so bad because we understand that person's need and desire to slim down but the method is definitely wrong. That person attends casual medical checkups and gets advice from doctors but I still find it wrong. I totally get the fact that my friend feels so insecure of the body and weight, but my friend now is losing the roses on them cheeks and is resembling a walking skeleton. I'm very concerned but there's nothing my friends and I can do about it because apparently, the friend stays strong with this stand and her "diet".

But one thing I know that I can do is informing you guys about the right way to slim down or lose weight. Yes, you can go on diets. It is perfectly fine! But it will not be fine if you go overboard with it. There's always a limit to everything—even the free market has its boundaries—so you gotta control it. You have to make sure that the body gets the essential nutrition needed because if you severely lack in either nutrition, you might die. Alright alright, in a less fatal situation, lacking in some of the nutrition can make you prone to various diseases, and that's way worst because you think you're healthy but you're actually not. All diets will need you to take in fats, carbohydrates, protein and fibers but the difference is the amount of each of the nutrition.

I understand that we will at one point feel so insecure about our body, and we tend to do something about it because we want to feel comfortable in our skin. I do it too, except that I can never stick to it because food is just so (inserts wonderful adjectives to describe about food)! But if you want to do it, do it the right way.

I've been in a very dark place before because I wanted my body to be accepted by my peers. I only relied on water, no foods whatsoever. I lost 10kgs in three weeks. It felt good because I lost a lot of weight but then, it felt bad because I was weak, constanly on moodswings and also, I looked ugly. Don't harm yourself and your body because there's no point of wasting such a wonderful, precious life that has so many to offer. Remember, you might not see the aftermath of what you do now, but think about the future if you continue with your bad habit. Would it be worth it?

Have a nice day ♥

#MYSPMMEMOIR:GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SPM RESULT!

Hi! I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything on this blog, but I think I should post something for my friends and juniors—and my sister too—who shall be taking their SPM results tomorrow at their respective schools.

Look, I know that all of you right now are utterly scared and extremely nervous and really anxious for result day—I know, I've been there too. And I know that there a lot of questions running in and out of your head that mostly sound like these:-

"What if I don't get straight A's?"

"What if I don't get straight A+'s?"

"What if I do get straight A's?"

"What if I got more than what I expected?"

"What if my results are so bad, I couldn't get a decent scholarship or a sponsorship at least?"

"What if my parents wouldn't be proud of me because of my results?"

"What if I did really bad during SPM?"

"What if my results were so bad, everyone would be laughing at me?"

"What if I didn't meet the school's expectation?"

 And so on...

Hey, don't worry! The thing that you got to realize is that it's too late for you to change your answers on those papers.It's already printed and all you have to do is to accept it. Yes, it may take a while if you got a result that you didn't want but trust me, just because one door closes right in front of your eyes, it doesn't mean that the other doors are close for you too.

I believe in fate and maybe I was fated to not get straight A's for my SPM. I was completely devastated because my friends, most of them, got straight A's and A+ too. And the fact that I was in the 23 kids that was targeted by the school to get straight A's made things worst. Til this day, I still can't believe how Rianna [name shall not be disclosed] can accept her results and smile at work and at the same time, consoled and cheered me up when her result was way worst than mine—she got a C/C+ for Chemistry.

But hey, even though it didn't go well for me in the beginning, I managed to get a sponsor to pursue my studies overseas—Alhamdulillah. And I know people who did bad during SPM but now, they are in the midst of finishing their degree. See? Just because you had a bad start, doesn't mean that you're gonna be in a bad place for the rest of your life. Plan your post-result life properly. If you're not sure about the course you're about to take, go talk to your parents/seniors/teachers/counselors/friends, read 'em up on blogs, take personality tests and ask God. Trust me, the road ahead is much more challenging and you need a lot of resources to tackle it. I don't want to see you sink like Titanic.

You can never know what the future holds for you but remember; if you want a good future, work hard for it. Don't just sit there and do nothing because that will never bring you anywhere.

Have a nice day ♥

REVENGE IS SWEET AND BEST SERVED COLD

I recently successfully managed to find my schoolmates from SK Desa Cemerlang (SKDC). YAYY!! Thank goodness I suddenly had the idea to just search them up on any social sites that I have hehe. Buuuuuuut that's not the thing I wanted to write about.

You see, there's a particular reason why I have been searching them for years. And it's not just because I want to re-connect with them. These people have made an impact in my years when I was a student in SKDC. It's both bad and good but most of it, hilarious and I sort of wanted to avenge for the bad things I'd faced.

I went to a kindergarten where the kids are mostly Chinese and only a minority of them are Malays. So, the main language used would be—yes, you know it—English! So, it's because I was taught in that language and I grew up around it, it made me more comfortable communicating in that language. But things changed when I went to primary school. The majority of them were Malay and most of them gave the vibe that they weren't comfortable speaking in English. It's not that i couldn't speak Bahasa Malaysia at all (I could actually! I talked and screamed in Bahasa Malaysia when I was playing with my neighbors) but I was more used to and more comfortable using English. Even if so, I still tried y'know. I made an effort to not be so shocked with the new culture. However, my efforts weren't enough, I guess. I was taunted, hated and discriminated by my Malay peers. A girl even said "Aku benci kau!" (I hate you) to my face—and she miraculously made into my hate list. Nonetheless, there were still some who were really nice to me. Sadly, one of them died in Ramadhan 2013 due to lymphoma. I didn't even had the chance to say hi to her hmm :(

Back to the real story...

I want to avenge my past (uuuuu sounds so evil). I want to know that I've won. I want to know that I am much, much, much more successful than them. I want to know that the pain I felt back then is worth it. I want them to know that thanks to them, I am where I am. But what do I have to prove in the end? What am I proving? It's not just about self satisfaction, I'm trying to prove that bullies would lose by the end of the day and the victims are pure survivors. It's okay for you to be in your lowest times and be weak because it'll give you time to harvest your strengths and let you focus on your goals.

Yes, I may sound very mean in here and you guys would be like, "Apa masalah perempuan ni?", "Creepy dohh dia ni", "Apa si dia nak sebenarnya?" and/or "Tak baik berdendam" but to me, it's good if you do it for a healthy competition and for an avenue for you to improve yourself. I've been doing this since forever but no worries, kita tak makan hati haha. I'll just remember what you did to me and make sure that you would regret for the things you had said/done to me.

Anyways, please don't think I'm a psycho. Maybe the things that I'm expressing aren't signaling off to you in the correct manner, so we might not be on the same page. Nevertheless, I'll remember you if you made an impact in my life.

Have a nice day ♥

MY INTRODUCTORY SPEECH

What happens when a white light passes through a prism? It'll show you its beautiful colors. What happens when you face a prism? You will finally show your true colors.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm ........... and I was bullied when I was 13 years old and I had to endure that for 2 and half years. I had no friends from my class till I was 15. I remember how nobody wanted to pick me as their group mate, how my pencil box was constantly thrown out of the window and how they threw away my key so that I can't open up my locker. There was even a time when they ganged up on me with the girls from other classes and started to say hate words to my face. That was my prism and I was that plain, ordinary white light. But after passing through that tormentous roadblock (prism), I finally showed my true colors that taught me a lot of things.

Among the things that I learnt from this prism is that you don't live to please people. Because I had no friends of my gender at that time, I did a lot of stuffs to make them like me. For example, I became a suck up and did most of the work in group projects just so they would appreciate me but it didn't turn out as planned. They took most of the credit and blamed me for not doing anything. This showed me that it's not worthy of me sacrificing my own happiness for others if they would still bring you down.

Secondly, I learnt that no one can dictate your life but you. My confidence and self-esteem was entirely crushed while getting through the prism. It came to a point where I would just let them do whatever they want to do to me because I thought that I couldn't get a tight grip on my life until I managed to do extremely well in my exams, which eventually surprised them and shut their mouths up.

Lastly, it taught me that good things really come to those who wait. Although I was nearing to the edge, where I would just give up but I didn't. I became patient and persevered doing what I do best and in the end, it paid off. The bully finally moved out of school -and not to brag or anything- but I achieved more success than they think I could. I managed to soar higher than each and every one of them. And I'm proud of myself for that.

People see roadblocks and prisms as an object unworthy to be a part of your life, but I find it extremely worthy. In fact, I am grateful for being in that situation because it made me stronger by the end of the day and it made me want to prove them wrong from time to time, that I am not what they think I am. By the end of the day, ladies and gentlemen, you should be proud of what you went through and smile because that is what makes you be better than before.

Have a nice day ♥

A BIG LOSS

Lost a friend of mine yesterday. He got involved in an unfortunate accident and was injured seriously. He died on the spot.

I will miss talking to him and curse on guys who made me feel so insecure. I will miss his brutally honest yet funny comments about me. I will miss sharing and exchanging life stories with him. I will miss getting lunch with, especially because he knows just what I want to eat and he'll make sure I will get it. I will miss his jolliness and his positive aura. I will miss those twinkling eyes everytime he is giving an advice. I will miss that cheerful laughter and those stab-in-the-heart sarcasm coming from a tall, lean guy with an almost bulging tummy but still looks cute and attractive with that sweet smile that has never disappeared on his face.

I will miss Ekram Misri as a brother, a friend and a co-worker (I will miss manning the locker station with you, especially). I knew I should've kept your old ID a little bit longer hehe.

I hope you rest in peace and I hope God blesses your soul. You are an angel to everyone, Ekram and you will be dearly missed.

Always cherish the ones you care before you lose them ♥

A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

I have a lot of good news to share with you, right now. Hmm I don't even know where to start! I know it has been a really stressful week for me but the things that had happened last weekend really made things up.

Firstly, Taylor's Debate Open 2013 was so much fun. First, it's because I finally get to be around the faces I'm familiar with. Second, there were a lot of extremely good debaters and how I wish I'll be good as them soon. Third, new friendships made, old friendships rekindled. Fourth and lastly, it was a lot of fun hanging out with the debaters from INTEC and other institutions as well. I know I'm no longer active debating but events like this never fails to remind me why I love debating in the first place and why I wanted to take up International Relations as my field of study.

Secondly, this is the most important thing I want to tell you! And yes, it is about that picture up there! Yes, you got it right. I GOT ACCEPTED TO JOIN GLOBAL STARTUP YOUTH 2013!!!!!!

When I sent my application for it, I was just fooling around. The pitching video I did was horrible, playful and horrible ugh. But the results were totally unexpected. AND YES I AM SO HAPPY I GOT SELECTED TO BE A PART OF A WHOLE NEW WORLD THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT IS ABOUT BUT I AM STILL EXCITED BECAUSE I GET TO LEARN ABOUT NEW THINGS!!!!!!!

Buuuuuuuuuut it's risky if I go. I'll have to miss 4 days of classes and my finals is in two weeks after the camp. It's like an opportunity cost. Whatever I choose, I would still have to sacrifice something and those 'somethings' are really important in my life. Hmmm, I wish my decision wouldn't make me cry and regret for life.

Have a nice day ♥

UPDATE: I went to the camp and it was so fun!!!! And I did pretty well for my finals too. So grateful that everything went well.