MY ANXIETY

I have a problem, and it's a problem that I am still in denial with.

I have anxiety but I don't consider mine as a critical one because I know those who has it far worse than mine. But still, it is a problem and it might be worse than what I thought. And it's a problem that I can't fully accept even until today.

Both my doctors and my counselor said that I have anxiety, specifically "performance anxiety", as told by my counselor. I'm on antidepressant (Lexapro━a type of SSRI) now and thank God the side effects are gone. The first few weeks were hell for me. I was nauseous. I lost my appetite. I vomited. I was really drowsy after taking the pill. I couldn't do work. I was bed-ridden the first week of taking it. There were times when I didn't want to take it all because I didn't want to feel sick. And there were times I felt like I wanted to take more than one pill because I want my body to get used to it as soon as it could. But thank God it's all over now. My body has adapted to it. Goodbye nausea! But now I'm also taking Valium. It relaxes my muscles from continuously feeling tensed. It helps me get a good sleep.  I haven't had any good sleep in the past month. Sometimes I take a pill or two if I'm starting to feel on edge. But sometimes I don't take it because I don't want to be reliant on it.

A NASTY MORNING THOUGHT

This photo of a sunflower field was taken by the writer at Toowoomba, QLD in January 2016.

It has been raining for close to 5 hours now in Brisbane and it's not showing any signs of stopping anytime soon. I was woken up by sounds of slamming and banging, and things breaking. So I headed out to the living room with my roommate (woke my roommate up because I was scared of the dark and it was storming outside, which scared me more) to check if our things at the balcony are safe.

After that, I couldn't sleep anymore. I was having some really nasty thoughts in my head.

You see, it's June now (a.k.a. my favorite month of the year cuz you know *wink*) and I had two classmates back in school that had birthdays two days and a day before mine. So 6th, 7th and 8th of June will be like a triple birthday celebration for our class and our batch.

But the thing is, I felt betrayed by the girl who was born on the 6th of June. Why? She didn't like me and personally, I felt that she caused all the troubles I faced  in school when I was 13.

I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER

I think I just need to get this off of my chest before I start doing my overdue assignments.

I have been very anxious lately. It's not just about being anxious with my assignments, it's also about being anxious with my commitments. I've been worrying so much with my MASCA work until I neglected my studies, which has made me more anxious. And now, I am managing, well indirectly managing 2 sports, 3 sports for Queensland MASA Games team. I'm mostly searching for players but I never knew it can be so stressful. I'm worried if  MASCA Queensland's upcoming events would fail and I feel like I have a responsibility to not make it a failure. I feel accountable most of the time, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way.

I have neglected my studies so bad. I didn't submit one minor essay. I did not do 2 of my weekly policy briefs. I have an overdue major essay which amounts up to 45% of my grade. I have an essay due tomorrow that is still in its draft form. But I can't make myself do any of it. Idk how to write a proper essay anymore. I can't understand whatever I read. I feel like I have to restart all my essay writing skills but it's too late now. I'm just hoping to pass all to my subjects :<

Tbh, I never knew I could worry so much. At most of times, I can just jump into another topic without signalling the people involved in the conversation. I can't focus because I'm focused on a lot of things. I can laugh or/and cry so easily now (even cat videos make me cry). It's pretty obvious that my head's wrapped around so many things that I wish to resolve all at once but I can't. And all of this makes me more anxious.

I don't have anxiety attacks. In fact, I don't know how they are like. But I do get my nightmares whenever I sleep. So, I've never had a proper, fully rested kind of sleep. This has made me more tired, and I sleep a lot now. Sooooo, the cycle continues.

I feel like there's something missing but idk what it is. I know I have to get my shit together. I cannot fail a subject. I must pass. But I don't think I'm able to :< I feel like I've let myself down because I couldn't manage my time properly and for taking up a lot of work that I know I can't handle.

I'm not saying being a part of MASCA is a bad thing. It's definitely not. But I find it unfair that some of us are doing a lot more than anyone else. I feel pressured because I am responsible for getting more money for this organization but I can't do anything about if people turn down my offer. I do feel responsible for bringing in a lot of opportunities for the students here because they have so much potential and they can contribute a lot to a company and I don't want that to go to waste. But I have to refine my search area and search for organizations that are a bit more viable. And as much as I say that I will be away from any MASCA-related work, we all know it's a lie. I tried muting the Whatsapp group for a week but I just had to spam the group with irrelevant (they are relevant to me) things on the second day. Ha ha ha.

I don't want to fail but it's too late to do anything about it now. I think all I can do is soldier up and do well for my finals. I just want to pass.

Have a nice day ♥

#INSECURITY: SHOULD YOU DO THIS FOR THE IDEAL BODY?

Hi guys. This is going to be a quite serious topic because I'm going to talk about insecurities, particularly about your body. I've heard stuffs about girls starving themselves or eat a little, teensy-weensy piece of food just to get this ideal body that society deems as perfect.

I have this friend, who is going on this diet because that person thinks that the body that person has is fat—and it is so not! I cannot name what kind of diet it is or else, some people would know who I'm talking about—and that ain't good for me and for that person. We don't mind about if that person wants to go on a diet, but the thing that worries us the most is the "diet". That person, currently, only consumes veggies and fruits. Just fibers. No protein or carbs—even fat to that matter! But here's the thing. After doing extensive research—well not that deep, but just getting to know what the diet and all diets make you eat—I found out that her "diet" is wrong.

Now let's bring us back to the time where we learnt about the Pyramid of Foods. I don't think I should explain to you how it is because it's practically a basic thing that we all must know. Again, MUST know. But for the sake of wanting to make this post look a bit more serious, I'll just share to you the essentials of the pyramid. At the topmost hierarchy would be fats, followed by proteins, carbohydrates and fibers respectively. As you go up the pyramid, you should consume less. Now, coming back to the "diet", can you see where it went wrong?

YES, CORRECT!

I know you didn't notice but if you did, claps and pats for you. Yay!

The "diet" is missing out 3/4 of the essential nutrition that the body needs. That person is losing fats, proteins and carbohydrates, which is as important as fiber and minerals. It worries us so bad because we understand that person's need and desire to slim down but the method is definitely wrong. That person attends casual medical checkups and gets advice from doctors but I still find it wrong. I totally get the fact that my friend feels so insecure of the body and weight, but my friend now is losing the roses on them cheeks and is resembling a walking skeleton. I'm very concerned but there's nothing my friends and I can do about it because apparently, the friend stays strong with this stand and her "diet".

But one thing I know that I can do is informing you guys about the right way to slim down or lose weight. Yes, you can go on diets. It is perfectly fine! But it will not be fine if you go overboard with it. There's always a limit to everything—even the free market has its boundaries—so you gotta control it. You have to make sure that the body gets the essential nutrition needed because if you severely lack in either nutrition, you might die. Alright alright, in a less fatal situation, lacking in some of the nutrition can make you prone to various diseases, and that's way worst because you think you're healthy but you're actually not. All diets will need you to take in fats, carbohydrates, protein and fibers but the difference is the amount of each of the nutrition.

I understand that we will at one point feel so insecure about our body, and we tend to do something about it because we want to feel comfortable in our skin. I do it too, except that I can never stick to it because food is just so (inserts wonderful adjectives to describe about food)! But if you want to do it, do it the right way.

I've been in a very dark place before because I wanted my body to be accepted by my peers. I only relied on water, no foods whatsoever. I lost 10kgs in three weeks. It felt good because I lost a lot of weight but then, it felt bad because I was weak, constanly on moodswings and also, I looked ugly. Don't harm yourself and your body because there's no point of wasting such a wonderful, precious life that has so many to offer. Remember, you might not see the aftermath of what you do now, but think about the future if you continue with your bad habit. Would it be worth it?

Have a nice day ♥

REVENGE IS SWEET AND BEST SERVED COLD

I recently successfully managed to find my schoolmates from SK Desa Cemerlang (SKDC). YAYY!! Thank goodness I suddenly had the idea to just search them up on any social sites that I have hehe. Buuuuuuut that's not the thing I wanted to write about.

You see, there's a particular reason why I have been searching them for years. And it's not just because I want to re-connect with them. These people have made an impact in my years when I was a student in SKDC. It's both bad and good but most of it, hilarious and I sort of wanted to avenge for the bad things I'd faced.

I went to a kindergarten where the kids are mostly Chinese and only a minority of them are Malays. So, the main language used would be—yes, you know it—English! So, it's because I was taught in that language and I grew up around it, it made me more comfortable communicating in that language. But things changed when I went to primary school. The majority of them were Malay and most of them gave the vibe that they weren't comfortable speaking in English. It's not that i couldn't speak Bahasa Malaysia at all (I could actually! I talked and screamed in Bahasa Malaysia when I was playing with my neighbors) but I was more used to and more comfortable using English. Even if so, I still tried y'know. I made an effort to not be so shocked with the new culture. However, my efforts weren't enough, I guess. I was taunted, hated and discriminated by my Malay peers. A girl even said "Aku benci kau!" (I hate you) to my face—and she miraculously made into my hate list. Nonetheless, there were still some who were really nice to me. Sadly, one of them died in Ramadhan 2013 due to lymphoma. I didn't even had the chance to say hi to her hmm :(

Back to the real story...

I want to avenge my past (uuuuu sounds so evil). I want to know that I've won. I want to know that I am much, much, much more successful than them. I want to know that the pain I felt back then is worth it. I want them to know that thanks to them, I am where I am. But what do I have to prove in the end? What am I proving? It's not just about self satisfaction, I'm trying to prove that bullies would lose by the end of the day and the victims are pure survivors. It's okay for you to be in your lowest times and be weak because it'll give you time to harvest your strengths and let you focus on your goals.

Yes, I may sound very mean in here and you guys would be like, "Apa masalah perempuan ni?", "Creepy dohh dia ni", "Apa si dia nak sebenarnya?" and/or "Tak baik berdendam" but to me, it's good if you do it for a healthy competition and for an avenue for you to improve yourself. I've been doing this since forever but no worries, kita tak makan hati haha. I'll just remember what you did to me and make sure that you would regret for the things you had said/done to me.

Anyways, please don't think I'm a psycho. Maybe the things that I'm expressing aren't signaling off to you in the correct manner, so we might not be on the same page. Nevertheless, I'll remember you if you made an impact in my life.

Have a nice day ♥

I AM NOT OK

I bet everyone had fun at INTEC's Mega Raya. No, not me. I just broke down and cried instead of laughing and smiled.

I think it's the first wave, it's just the beginning but I hope it'll end soon. Ugh I can't bear this anymore, blog. I have no one here that I can turn to. I feel so lonely. Yes, I do have friends but none of them are those who I would run to if I want to confide something. It's really hard, blog. I don't even think they like me.

Everytime when we're free in class, I'm always sitting alone and no one approaches me, unlike the others. What makes me so different from them? Do I stink? Am I ugly? Do I have horns on my head ? If we were to form a group, I'm always the last to be chosen and I've never heard anyone screamed, "Yaya, let's form a group together!". Never, unlike the others. No one goes excited when I'm at the front doing a speech or explaining something, unlike the others. What is wrong with me? I know I'm not funny but my remarks are (or so I think...). I just feel isolated, useless and miserable. And these are why I keep myself extremely busy just so I could take my mind off of this crap. I know it's no use thinking about it but if that's what you're facing everyday, please suggest me any kind of form for me to pretend like this is not happening at all.

I never cared about how busy I am or how busy I can get. As long as I'm not thinking of what's happening in class, I am fine with that. But no. It mounted more and more pressure on myself, day by day. I know that I've reached my breaking point but do you know what makes me to keep on persevering and hold myself together and not cry? I feel really vulnerable when I cry. Even though I'm shedding a tear or two, I feel that the walls I built to protect me was taken down piece by piece, showing how weak I am inside. And I'm showing it to everyone. I don't like that. I never liked the idea of showing my vulnerability to others, even to those I'm close to. Somehow, only those who knows me best can see it even if I'm not showing it.

I need that human-to-human relationship. I need that companionship which allows me to just reveal anything I want, anytime and without stigmatizing me and my words. A relationship that makes me feel comfortable to be vulnerable and he/she/they would not use that advantage against me. I am very protective of those who I love but I rarely protect myself. And I guess that is the reason why I'm scared. I'm not talking about commitments or even a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a friendship that I have never had or maybe I did, but it got lost while we grew up. The kind of friendship that would never abandon me or abase my dignity in any way and would always be there for me, no matter what. I do not want that relationship, I need that relationship. I hope I'll get to have it soon, in the most unexpected, unconventional way possible. That may sound like a start of a wonderful friendship, don't you think ?

Hope you have this kind of relationship :)

Have a nice day ♥

FRIEND OR FOE?

I have this classmate of mine and her name's Annalisa Iryanna, but we call her Lisa.

She's a bit smaller than me but not short. She has skinny legs and has fair skin. She hails all the way from Seremban, Negeri Sembilan. I like her accent especially when she talks in English. Ooh yes, I envy that. I envy that a lot. And no, I shall not post a picture of her here without her consent lol.

You see, we had a spontaneous oral communication test today and you've to give a speech about a meaningful object to yourself. Lisa talked about this normal exercise book which, it was lost then found, a teacher wrote a meaningful note for her and that changed who Lisa was in that time. From a timid girl, she no longer became shy. Because of that note, she gained her self-confidence and she is the Lisa that I see today. Her speech was so smooth and in some way, was as if she was story-telling to the whole class, made me feel threatened haha. Yes, I am dead serious.

But then again, I don't have the skills to give a speech especially when it comes to public speaking. My humor is so dry. And the way I deliver a speech is like me debating. That sucks.

These are the reasons why I felt threatened. It was because I felt I was not in anyway, compatible at all nor was I the best competitor for her. I felt that she towers over me in almost every class and that irritates me, really. I don't like being second best.

So, what do I have to do now ?

Looks like I need to make sure that I score as good as her or maybe, higher than her (omg I think it really shows how competitive I am). But hey, it's a healthy competition. We're not fighting or anything (maybe we are in our minds...). I don't see how beneficial it is to me and to Lisa if we were to bring one another down. That's just wrong dude. We should promote a conducive environment for you to study in.

I'm gonna make it happen. 'It' referring to scoring as good as my competition or hopefully, better and in order for me to achieve that is to make sure I study smart and focus to make it happen!

Have a nice day ♥

Update: In Eidulfitri 2014, I found out that Lisa is the daughter of my dad's childhood bestfriend. And her family is very close to my Nanny, my dad's mom. She also went through the things I experienced with regards to being ostracized because of our English. Ahhh the wonders in life.

I HAVE FAITH IN YOU AND YOU SHOULD TOO

This is a post dedicated especially to those trying their best to adjust themselves in a new life/situation/environment since most of my friends are.

I know that it maybe quite different or extremely different but you know what, if you want to fit in with the whole new situation you're in, believe in yourself that you can and just be you. You don't have the need to pretend as if you're someone else because that would eat you up later. Also, you should always have faith in yourself in whatever you do or say because that's the first person you have to have faith in; Y O U. If you don't have faith in yourself, that's when you're not going to be yourself and start to lose grip on what you hold.

We all know that for some people, it is quite hard to cope with all these new stuffs but here's one thing? Would you allow yourself to lose the battle and quit? Would you allow yourself to regret after you quit? Be my guest if you want to. But if you were to be you, I bet you wouldn't allow all those to happen, right? That shows how little faith you have in yourself, what more in others.

So....

Don't quit. Believe in yourself. Be you.

Because eventually, you'll get a hold of this new world if you hold on to those three sentences.

Have a nice day ♥

#MYSPMMEMOIR: DON'T LET YOUR SPM RESULT KILL YOUR SPIRIT

I can still recall how broken I was when it came to my senses that I didn't get straight A's. It took me days, not weeks, to lift up my broken spirit. Ramizah, Alif and Haris tried everything they could to cheer me up again lol. Make it Starbucks, lunch, McD or rock climbing, it failed. And I can say, it took me a looooong time to recover from that one B+. Yes, a long time for just one teensy-weensy grade that failed to list me as those who successfully scored straight A's in SPM. But you know what, I'm grateful for it because some people out there, though they did achieve straight A's but failed to get offers like I did. I managed to get a placing for matriculation in Pahang (rejected it...), a spot to further foundation in IIUM (rejected it too..) and an offer to further my studies in International Relations under the American Degree Foundation Programme.

Not to brag or anything, but I got every single thing that I had asked for and Alhamdulillah, everything's going on well.

I am proud because  during our Eminent's Graduation Day, i'm the only one who scored 8A's but will be flying in two years time. Even most of those who scored straight A's didn't get what they wanted. Thank God I did, Alhamdulillah. Maybe that 8A's marks the end of my playful years as a high school student hehe. Who knows, right ?

But that's not the point of me writing this.

Point is, to those of you out there who are still going to school in those school uniforms, don't make your grades bad like mine. It took me months to get over it. Trust me, it's a feeling/situation you don't wanna be in.  So, study hard and make sure you score because that SPM result is your gateway to a good tertiary education. Life later on takes off from there.

It may sound contradictive since it opposes the idea that 'grades don't shape who you are' but guess what ? It does. Although not huge of an impact, but it does. So, you must always make sure that your curricular is as high as your co-curricular (yes, very very important !) cuz scholars nowadays don't want bookworms. They want a student who's a jack of all trades instead a master of one.

What now ? That is one question you've to figure out yourself, my friend and make sure that answer leads you to success and to a better life.

Have a nice day ♥