I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY

This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?

MY ANXIETY

I have a problem, and it's a problem that I am still in denial with.

I have anxiety but I don't consider mine as a critical one because I know those who has it far worse than mine. But still, it is a problem and it might be worse than what I thought. And it's a problem that I can't fully accept even until today.

Both my doctors and my counselor said that I have anxiety, specifically "performance anxiety", as told by my counselor. I'm on antidepressant (Lexapro━a type of SSRI) now and thank God the side effects are gone. The first few weeks were hell for me. I was nauseous. I lost my appetite. I vomited. I was really drowsy after taking the pill. I couldn't do work. I was bed-ridden the first week of taking it. There were times when I didn't want to take it all because I didn't want to feel sick. And there were times I felt like I wanted to take more than one pill because I want my body to get used to it as soon as it could. But thank God it's all over now. My body has adapted to it. Goodbye nausea! But now I'm also taking Valium. It relaxes my muscles from continuously feeling tensed. It helps me get a good sleep.  I haven't had any good sleep in the past month. Sometimes I take a pill or two if I'm starting to feel on edge. But sometimes I don't take it because I don't want to be reliant on it.

MY FIRST EVER SEPHORA ONLINE PURCHASE

I just received my Sephora order 5 minutes ago and I am soooooooooooo excited hehe. It's partly because it's my first online order from Sephora and also one of the rare times I ever buy anything online (I loathe online shopping because... reasons). And I finally get a chance to own one of the best beauty tools ever in the make-up arena; the original beautyblender. I've been wanting to get a new blending sponge because my Real Techniques' miracle complexion sponge is pretty bad (so rabak already) and it needs to be replaced. And I've been eyeing on the beautyblender sponge for quite some time now and I'm so happy I can finally try and understand the hype behind it.

If you follow me on Twitter and Instagram, you would know how frustrated I was when the Beautyblender Pro On The Go set sold out (it was on sale for $30 from a $78!!). Long story short, by the time I filled in my details and clicked 'Pay Now' button, it was sold out (how frustrating). So a lesson I can take from this experience is; just buy, don't think, especially when there's a good deal on Sephora. The set includes 1 original beautyblender (pink), 1 beautyblender pro (black), 1 micro.mini pro, bloterazzi pro and blendercleanser solid pro. In Sephora Australia, the original beautyblender costs $30. So basically, I'm paying for the same price for a beautyblender, but I get more than just a beautyblender and that's a a great bargain!

So, you wanna know what I bought?

ONE THING THAT HAS MADE YOU BECOME A STRONGER PERSON

Yes, I'm finally doing this. And yes, I've succeeded in pushing myself to do this.

UQ's famous hallway at Forgan Smith Building.

Question 1:

What's one thing that's happened to you that has made you become a stronger person?

I believe a lot of things have happened to me in 22 years of my life. And all of it has made me become a stronger person. But one thing that has taught me more about myself and made me become a stronger person is my anxiety and my fear to fail.

You see, I'm so used to putting high expectations on myself and I've never struggled much in my studies (other than anything related to Maths, that was a bit challenging but I managed to pull through hehe). To me, everything I do has to reach a certain standard/achieve an expectation I've set so that I'll be happy with it. Anything that doesn't reach the standard or meet the expectation will not be something I'm proud of. Academically, I barely had a rough time. I'm so used to getting things done my way and I'm so used to getting what I want when I put my head and heart in it. But things weren't the same in 2016.

I failed 6 out of the 7 subjects I took. I couldn't finish my assignments because I lost hope in myself. I lost interest to study. The stress and anxiety became a huge issue (and I've never experienced this before). Nothing about academics impresses me anymore. I just couldn't do anything because I know I'm already failing and I didn't see the point of trying. I was ashamed of myself and I constantly blamed myself for everything. I just gave up, while at the same time tearing myself down because I quit, and that's so weak of me. And I was doing the thing I feared most this whole time, I failed. I failed in wanting to do my best. I failed in trying to be positive and enthusiastic. I failed in achieving my expectations. And I failed to want to continue, and decided to just let it all go and give up.

A LETTER FOR MY YOUTH

With the Queensland fam at National Aspiration Leadership Summit 2016.

We're so used to hearing that youths' voice can change the future but have we ever used it for a better cause?

It's sad to see a country falling apart economically and politically and it's sad to know that its youth aren't interested to know more about politics and economics. I understand where they're coming from. Things are getting out of hand and they don't know who and where they can put their faith into.

I know that they want to serve their country and make their people proud. I know that they really want to make their home a better place. And I know they're eager to realize a visionary future. A youth is capable of doing so many things beyond their capability. Yeah sure, there are risks involved but with the many resources available, the youth now is ready to take on any challenge they face and make sure they succeed in it.

As a youth myself, I hope that I can contribute something to my country. I hope to change our society's mindset to something more progressive that can assist us in realizing our dreams (and ultimately, Wawasan 2020). I hope there will be more faith tolerance and religious dicsussions. I want our society to be open to learn and understand something new. I hope our youth will use their inquisitive mind and curiosity to question about everything and anything they can. I hope that our youth will read more and sensationalize less about petty things in order to get a better comprehension of important matters.

I want them to know that in today's world, everything is a domino effect and the slightest change can affect us (and sometimes, affect us greatly). Be it change in US foreign policy, or a country deciding to no longer join a regional association like ASEAN. I want them to understand that in today's worl, everything is interconnected, and that includes our youth too.

We have to change our mentality and we have to see the bigger picture. Enough condemning things that are unfamiliar because right now, is the perfect time for us to learn, understand and appreciate. We might not have as much time as we have now when we're older. So consume time wisely and persevere through all the hardships we're currently going through. We will learn and we will be stronger and we deserve a better future; a future shaped by our very own youth. 

Have a nice day ♥

2016 RECAP

WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD.

Hello! I know it's already the 8th of January but I hope it's not too late to reflect on 2016 and highlight its greatest moments and the lessons I've learnt from it.

1. Appreciate the friends you have

This January alone, most of the people I am very close to and confide to the most are leaving me (sobs 😭😭😭). They've graduated last December and now, are ready to move on to a new phase in their lives (leaving me behind, of course). I've done so many things with them in 2016. I've hung out with them, shared things with them, explored new places with them, laughed with them, traveled with them and endured each others' lamest jokes together.

It's not like I'm not going to see them at all after this. I will, I really hope I will but things will be different since we'll have jobs and other obligations. It will not be the same like how it used to be. And that's one fact that I don't like but I have to face it.

I'm going to miss seeing these faces late night at the library and sharing a big halal snackpack together at the pantry. I'll miss the days where we'd talk about the most random things and share personal stuff over coffee (tea for me). These people have always had their faith in me in all the things I've done when I couldn't even believe in myself. They've been there for me during my highs and lows for a whole year, and now I've to go through another year without them.

I've learnt and shared so much from and with them. It's great to have a group of people that share the same views, have the same interest (almost) and am always down to help you when you need it the most. I not only got to know about them, I also got to know myself more because of the things we've done together. They have become my family here and they're definitely my "home away from home".