Oh wow, has it almost been a year?
It's not that I haven't been writing much. I did but I never finished any of it ━ and also because I feel like they're not good enough. The number of drafts in here is... a lot. Some are finished, some aren't.
But wait, nobody reads this blog anyway so why should I care if they're not good enough? Lol let's be honest. I do care about it. A LOT.
And that's a thing I'm trying to work on. I always think whatever I do isn't good enough. There's always someone better than me at everything I do so why bother? My answer to that: you don't lose anything if you try. Even if I have and I know the answer to it, it's still difficult for me to follow it. I just... can't.
I don't know if I've ever been the best in anything ━ pretty sure I haven't ━ but I know I've worked hard for a lot of things in my life. I just don't know where that part of me went. I don't understand. All I know is that it just... disappeared. Perhaps it disappeared because of life, no interest or academia ruined whatever love of writing I had. Or perhaps it also disappeared due to the realisation that I'll never be the best in anything or I'll never be good enough for anything.
I found the photo/gif while scrolling through my Tumblr. Timely, isn't it? It appears during a time where I have difficulty in starting and restarting a lot of things. Among them; writing this blog, working out, cycling, meditating, and eating right. I try but I can't pull through. I always end up stopping halfway or just right before the finish line. And it's funny too because I tell myself that it's better that I try and finish it instead of leaving it incomplete or not doing anything in the first place. But I just... can't.
I'm pretty sure social pressure has gotten to me. They want everything to be perfect. They want your proportions to be aligned. They celebrate perfect dimensions and flawless individuals. And here I am, having neither of those mentioned and unmentioned. And it's funny too because what I have and the hard work I've put in makes me... me, also a thing being celebrated. But I just... can't.
And I'm pretty sure this is ━ or are ━ my insecurity talking. I have a lot of things I'm looking forward to experience and do but I noticed that lately, it always get dampened down by my own doing. It's always telling me I'm not good enough and always telling me that I haven't done enough. Sometimes I have had enough of it but most times, I give in because I just... can't.
But if you are reading this, thank you. It means a lot to me. I've lost the knack to write but I hope I can pick it up again. Writing has always been a healthy avenue for me to process my thoughts and feelings. I'm not good at it but it has always been fun. I had a close friend that read one of my posts on my blog the other day. He enjoyed it. He said it feels like going through an old journal, reminding him the good times we had in Brisbane and that made me feel good about myself and what I wrote. It made me feel good that someone enjoyed it.
I know that blogs aren't much of a thing now like it was in its heydays. The advent of social media makes this almost obsolete. I know there are those that enjoy reading blogs but the appeal isn't the same like social media. It's not short and fast. It's not like TikTok where you can find random, educational and entertaining short videos. It's not like Instagram where it's visually appealing. It's not like Twitter where things are shared rapidly with a click. But does it matter if you enjoy writing a post on your blog? Guess not.
And perhaps, things aren't just not meant to be perfect and that's the best part of it. It's the best part because you're able to put in the work to make it better. It's like the progress photos I take of my face weekly regarding my acne journey ━ this is a story for another day lol. The more I write, the more you I'm able to notice the difference between the first post I've written months ago and the recent one I just wrote. And the two things I need to make this work is consistency and hard work. And this applies to all the things I want to jump into again. I hope I'll be able to restart again. I hope I'll enjoy doing it. And I goddamn hope that I'll finally finish the drafts and post them haha.
Have a nice day ♥