This was taken in 2012. I thought the camera had took the photo... until we realised it was about to. Fun times.

Hello guys, Ramadhan Kareem to all that's observing the month. I hope you have a wonderful month ahead... and OMG we're almost halfway into 2019 already? Whew time flies so fast.

I want to share a personal fear of Ramadhan.

Every year when Ramadhan comes, I fear that I'll fall back into an unhealthy eating habit I was in my early teen years. I struggled a lot with my self-esteem and how I look. I was an early bloomer among my peers in primary school. I had acne at 10. I had my period at 10. I had dandruff at 10 and adults in my life are saying it's because of hormonal imbalance (TETTT WRONG). I was taller than most girls my age. I basically went through puberty earlier than my peers. Due to that, I would have clothes that are a size larger than my body because "I will grow into them".

In secondary school, I wasn't the prettiest or the smartest in my batch. I was ordinary. At this age, it's normal for one to want to stand out. And that had made me struggle more with my self-esteem and the way I looked at my body. I thought I was fat. I thought I was a size M or L. Back in school, we had to order new shirts for our sport house and other things every year. Since my first year, my seniors told me (more like instructed) that our shirts had to pass our bottoms. If not, they'll give you a look or more infamously called, "senior pandang slack". Worst case would be them calling you up and have a "talk" about why your shirt is too short.  Among other things, they would also say that it's required so that men won't look at your body lustfully. You know, the usual tutup aurat reminders (yaaaaaawns). Honestly sis, I don't find even myself attractive so why would anyone get attracted to that? Obviously I would go for M because the length needed to pass my bottom and... I thought I wasn't small. I thought I wasn't skinny. And M sizes can be quite big. I had acne but they're not horrible. I see my peers laugh at girls who aren't skinny or has a big butt. Maybe they were joking, maybe they were not. But that affected me and the way I saw myself. These inadvertently made me to believe that I wasn't pretty.


Photo taken during our trip to North Stradbroke Island, Easter 2018.


I haven't posted anything for so long on this blog. *blows dust away**coughs coughs* But hopefully I will soon. A lot has happened since my last post. To simplify it, moved back to KL, got a job, sought for treatment in KL, resigned from job and now back in Brisbane (???) while still looking for a new job. I'm only here for a short vacation, like 2 weeks supposedly, but umm, I've extended it for a week now and might just extend it for another week and make this trip like a month's stay #ripmoney

Three things that have immensely changed ever since I moved back to KL; lifestyle, health and my motivation. I've also had a lot of really low lows and some really high highs. Hint: me going insane and me finally doing things I've wanted to do. But I'll keep that for a later post. I started doing meditation and it has helped reduce my anxiety and get a good night sleep. I've also lost my abs 😭 but that's because of me not working out at all. But I hope I'll include working out in my daily routine after this.

Before I leave, I want to share with you something that has been bringing me down these past few months, and it still gets to me until today. I always overthink about what others will/might think of me. In turn, it brings myself down. Like, really dooooown. But I can't help it because in the environment I was in, people talk about each other behind their backs and they gossip about each other. Oh you know, office gossip. I couldn't trust anyone although initially they said I could. It can be really scary when the thoughts consume me because I'm always assuming stuff and jumping into conclusions, and IDK if it's true or not. What if it's not? Then I'll feel bad for overthinking and for assuming things about everyone. But then, what if it's true? Oh, that's painful. It feels like you got stab in your heart by someone you look up to and someone you thought you could trust. What's worst? When you did something wrong to someone and instead of telling you that you hurt them, they talk about you behind your back and the ostracism slowly starts to feel, and be seen, visible. I am a person who is really scared of confrontation because of the flurry of thoughts that'll come in.