TALK BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK

Photo taken during our trip to North Stradbroke Island, Easter 2018.


Hi.


I haven't posted anything for so long on this blog. *blows dust away**coughs coughs* But hopefully I will soon. A lot has happened since my last post. To simplify it, moved back to KL, got a job, sought for treatment in KL, resigned from job and now back in Brisbane (???) while still looking for a new job. I'm only here for a short vacation, like 2 weeks supposedly, but umm, I've extended it for a week now and might just extend it for another week and make this trip like a month's stay #ripmoney

Three things that have immensely changed ever since I moved back to KL; lifestyle, health and my motivation. I've also had a lot of really low lows and some really high highs. Hint: me going insane and me finally doing things I've wanted to do. But I'll keep that for a later post. I started doing meditation and it has helped reduce my anxiety and get a good night sleep. I've also lost my abs 😭 but that's because of me not working out at all. But I hope I'll include working out in my daily routine after this.

Before I leave, I want to share with you something that has been bringing me down these past few months, and it still gets to me until today. I always overthink about what others will/might think of me. In turn, it brings myself down. Like, really dooooown. But I can't help it because in the environment I was in, people talk about each other behind their backs and they gossip about each other. Oh you know, office gossip. I couldn't trust anyone although initially they said I could. It can be really scary when the thoughts consume me because I'm always assuming stuff and jumping into conclusions, and IDK if it's true or not. What if it's not? Then I'll feel bad for overthinking and for assuming things about everyone. But then, what if it's true? Oh, that's painful. It feels like you got stab in your heart by someone you look up to and someone you thought you could trust. What's worst? When you did something wrong to someone and instead of telling you that you hurt them, they talk about you behind your back and the ostracism slowly starts to feel, and be seen, visible. I am a person who is really scared of confrontation because of the flurry of thoughts that'll come in.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY



This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?