 |
| This was taken in 2012. I thought the camera had took the photo... until we realised it was about to. Fun times. |
Hello guys, Ramadhan Kareem to all that's observing the month. I hope you have a wonderful month ahead... and OMG we're almost halfway into 2019 already? Whew time flies so fast.
I want to share a personal fear of Ramadhan.
Every year when Ramadhan comes, I fear that I'll fall back into an unhealthy eating habit I was in my early teen years. I struggled a lot with my self-esteem and how I look. I was an early bloomer among my peers in primary school. I had acne at 10. I had my period at 10. I had dandruff at 10 and adults in my life are saying it's because of hormonal imbalance (TETTT WRONG). I was taller than most girls my age. I basically went through puberty earlier than my peers. Due to that, I would have clothes that are a size larger than my body because "I will grow into them".
In secondary school, I wasn't the prettiest or the smartest in my batch. I was ordinary. At this age, it's normal for one to want to stand out. And that had made me struggle more with my self-esteem and the way I looked at my body. I thought I was fat. I thought I was a size M or L. Back in school, we had to order new shirts for our sport house and other things every year. Since my first year, my seniors told me (more like instructed) that our shirts had to pass our bottoms. If not, they'll give you a look or more infamously called, "senior pandang slack". Worst case would be them calling you up and have a "talk" about why your shirt is too short. Among other things, they would also say that it's required so that men won't look at your body lustfully. You know, the usual tutup aurat reminders (yaaaaaawns). Honestly sis, I don't find even myself attractive so why would anyone get attracted to that? Obviously I would go for M because the length needed to pass my bottom and... I thought I wasn't small. I thought I wasn't skinny. And M sizes can be quite big. I had acne but they're not horrible. I see my peers laugh at girls who aren't skinny or has a big butt. Maybe they were joking, maybe they were not. But that affected me and the way I saw myself. These inadvertently made me to believe that I wasn't pretty.