MY HORRIBLE EATING HABIT

This was taken in 2012. I thought the camera had took the photo... until we realised it was about to. Fun times.

Hello guys, Ramadhan Kareem to all that's observing the month. I hope you have a wonderful month ahead... and OMG we're almost halfway into 2019 already? Whew time flies so fast.

I want to share a personal fear of Ramadhan.

Every year when Ramadhan comes, I fear that I'll fall back into an unhealthy eating habit I was in my early teen years. I struggled a lot with my self-esteem and how I look. I was an early bloomer among my peers in primary school. I had acne at 10. I had my period at 10. I had dandruff at 10 and adults in my life are saying it's because of hormonal imbalance (TETTT WRONG). I was taller than most girls my age. I basically went through puberty earlier than my peers. Due to that, I would have clothes that are a size larger than my body because "I will grow into them".

In secondary school, I wasn't the prettiest or the smartest in my batch. I was ordinary. At this age, it's normal for one to want to stand out. And that had made me struggle more with my self-esteem and the way I looked at my body. I thought I was fat. I thought I was a size M or L. Back in school, we had to order new shirts for our sport house and other things every year. Since my first year, my seniors told me (more like instructed) that our shirts had to pass our bottoms. If not, they'll give you a look or more infamously called, "senior pandang slack". Worst case would be them calling you up and have a "talk" about why your shirt is too short.  Among other things, they would also say that it's required so that men won't look at your body lustfully. You know, the usual tutup aurat reminders (yaaaaaawns). Honestly sis, I don't find even myself attractive so why would anyone get attracted to that? Obviously I would go for M because the length needed to pass my bottom and... I thought I wasn't small. I thought I wasn't skinny. And M sizes can be quite big. I had acne but they're not horrible. I see my peers laugh at girls who aren't skinny or has a big butt. Maybe they were joking, maybe they were not. But that affected me and the way I saw myself. These inadvertently made me to believe that I wasn't pretty.

I started to avoid eating food served in the dining hall. I started to skip meals. I started doing little things that in time, turned into a habit. A dangerous one, that is. I know that my metabolism was high so it will be difficult for me to gain weight. So I used that advantage to start a dangerous habit. During the end of the year school break, I lost 10kgs. I was 13-14 at that time. What did I do? I didn't eat properly. I just drank water. Plain water, sugared water, carbonated drinks. Just water. I wasn't happy but hey I'm thin now. Maybe they'll notice me this time. When school started, nothing changed.

To some of you that went to school with me, you would most probably think that I don't look miserable. Yeah, maybe that's true. I don't physically look miserable or sick or weak. But emotionally, I was. I was drowning in this pile of things that kept telling me I'm not good enough to do something or be someone. So my coping mechanism was to not eat. It was the only thing that made feel that I could achieve something. It gave me a sense of control because I could control my hunger (lol no, that's not how it works Alya), my weight and the size of my body. But funny thing is, I was still wearing clothes that were big for me haha. And that led me to believe that I am still not small enough. It was addictive. I didn't rely on the weighing scale that much. I wanted to lose the cheek fat and the butt fat and needed a smaller waist. If I become smaller, I won't have to wear size M and can finally wear size S because my butt wouldn't be big and it won't pass my butt and I won't be called out by the seniors or during usrah. Mind you, social media wasn't big back then. There was no Instagram and Instagram models flaunting off their hot body (that they worked hard for by working out and eating right) on my timeline. The people I looked up to for having a banging body was Cassie (I liked her since I was 11... and does she ever age??). But I was stuck in this rut because of my peers and my surroundings, not because I am fat. I am not fat. I wouldn't say brainwashed because that's too harsh. I was misinformed and stayed in an environment that continuously misinformed me. Okaylah, that is brainwash... sort of.

I don't remember what made me want to change this mentality I had but I decided that I had to eat. I had to do something to make up for my lack of self-esteem. I don't have energy to do things. I feel tired. I can't focus in class. I felt left out. I was miserable. I just didn't like the body and mind that my soul was in. I knew I had to get out from this cycle because it's not healthy. In my head, if I could achieve something great, that means that I'm not ordinary at all. I need to prove to myself that my lack of self-esteem was because of my surroundings and it had affected me. I had to get out and do something. Being in control of how my body looks like is not enough. I need to get the grades. I need to do well outside of class. I need to be active. Idk if I was anorexic but I sure hell wasn't bulimic. And I need to do this not just for the present me but for the future me.

I played netball. I did debate (everyone knows this was my life saviour in school). I got good grades that I was also surprised because I didn't think I could. I thought I was mediocre. I had supportive friends. Debate helped me so much with how I listen, communicate and analyze things. I was in a group that I felt accepted in and comfortable with. I finally fit in. I knew I could do well in sports like netball, high jump, long jump and triple jump. So I tried my best to win and told myself I need to jump 130cm high, I need to score 10 more goals, I need to jump another 4m and I need to run another 400m without stopping. And in order for me to do that, I need to eat. I started to associate food with things that made me feel comfortable or things I need to do to achieve my goal. It was tricky at first but it didn't take me long because I missed eating. I didn't miss holding myself back from eating when my tummy rumbled. But the best part of it all, I finally wore clothes my size. That's when I know that I am finally comfortable with myself and my body.

I was 16 and I just got back from my 2 weeks of resting at home post-appendectomy. My teachers asked my shirt size and I said S or and XS. I remember vividly the gasps in the room. They asked me if I'm sure of it. Hell yeah I'm sure about it. I wore clothes that weren't my size this whole time which led me and everyone to think I was big. I'm not. The shirt came in later and one of the teachers went "Ya Allah keciknya awak ni, tak makan ke? (Oh my god, you are so small, did you not eat)".

It's been 8 years now since the teachers asked my size. I love my body now. I used to had a better body and fitness but because of life, I lost it. But I'm working on it and I'm proud of the progress so far. I don't starve myself. I eat and I eat a lot. But I make sure that I also eat healthy and I work out. I do fall back into the habit at times when I'm very stressed out. But I'm glad that my surroundings have been very supportive. Sometimes I do let the habit kick in for a few days until I feel better, but it's not as bad as it used to be and it takes 2-3 days for me to snap out of it. I still have insecurities about my body because of social media but thanks to social media as well, not everything I see online is real. With the rise of content creators now, I found many fitness gurus who share their workouts, their diets and also the struggles they faced with their bodies recently. I was shocked that someone so confident with their body would feel insecure about it. But that's fine. We're humans. We're not perfect even if we strive our best to achieve one. And that made me feel better because if this person who works out everyday and do everything they can to stay fit and still feel insecure, then I shouldn't have to worry. I'm fine. My insecurities are valid but I shouldn't let it bring me down and make me think of myself or my progress less. I really want to thank my friends for helping me to get the body and fitness I want. They really make me want to stay active and healthy.

Did I relapse? Yes. And it's always during Ramadhan because once I get used to fasting, my body would think I'm starving myself again. So my body gets adapted to eating less. And it does take some time for me to eat normally again. My last horrible relapse was 5 years ago. I lost 10kg and weighed 35kg after Ramadhan. I was horrified. But I knew I can't instantly eat a lot of food at one go. That would upset my tummy. And nobody wants an upset tummy during a festive season, especially when there are a lot of food. So I took time to recover.

I haven't had the chance to fast in the last two years because I was on pills and I was suspected for tuberculosis respectively (I sound like a sick person). This year would be my first year of fasting. Am I excited? Yes. Am I scared? Of course. Will I relapse? I don't know but if I do, I'll take my time to recover. Am I still insecure about my body? Yes, but I always have the option of working out to improve my fitness and get my body toned back again. I was ashamed of what I put myself in but not anymore. It was a learning curve and even 10-11 years since it happened, I still have a long way to go. I need to remind myself of what had happened whenever I think that my body isn't good enough. I need to remind myself that I went through that for nearly 3 years and I got out of it. I had a horrible eating habit but I managed to recover. So I'll be fine. And if you do face this problem, you'll be fine too.

Have a nice day ♥