I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY

This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?

MY ANXIETY

I have a problem, and it's a problem that I am still in denial with.

I have anxiety but I don't consider mine as a critical one because I know those who has it far worse than mine. But still, it is a problem and it might be worse than what I thought. And it's a problem that I can't fully accept even until today.

Both my doctors and my counselor said that I have anxiety, specifically "performance anxiety", as told by my counselor. I'm on antidepressant (Lexapro━a type of SSRI) now and thank God the side effects are gone. The first few weeks were hell for me. I was nauseous. I lost my appetite. I vomited. I was really drowsy after taking the pill. I couldn't do work. I was bed-ridden the first week of taking it. There were times when I didn't want to take it all because I didn't want to feel sick. And there were times I felt like I wanted to take more than one pill because I want my body to get used to it as soon as it could. But thank God it's all over now. My body has adapted to it. Goodbye nausea! But now I'm also taking Valium. It relaxes my muscles from continuously feeling tensed. It helps me get a good sleep.  I haven't had any good sleep in the past month. Sometimes I take a pill or two if I'm starting to feel on edge. But sometimes I don't take it because I don't want to be reliant on it.

A NASTY MORNING THOUGHT

This photo of a sunflower field was taken by the writer at Toowoomba, QLD in January 2016.

It has been raining for close to 5 hours now in Brisbane and it's not showing any signs of stopping anytime soon. I was woken up by sounds of slamming and banging, and things breaking. So I headed out to the living room with my roommate (woke my roommate up because I was scared of the dark and it was storming outside, which scared me more) to check if our things at the balcony are safe.

After that, I couldn't sleep anymore. I was having some really nasty thoughts in my head.

You see, it's June now (a.k.a. my favorite month of the year cuz you know *wink*) and I had two classmates back in school that had birthdays two days and a day before mine. So 6th, 7th and 8th of June will be like a triple birthday celebration for our class and our batch.

But the thing is, I felt betrayed by the girl who was born on the 6th of June. Why? She didn't like me and personally, I felt that she caused all the troubles I faced  in school when I was 13.

I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER

I think I just need to get this off of my chest before I start doing my overdue assignments.

I have been very anxious lately. It's not just about being anxious with my assignments, it's also about being anxious with my commitments. I've been worrying so much with my MASCA work until I neglected my studies, which has made me more anxious. And now, I am managing, well indirectly managing 2 sports, 3 sports for Queensland MASA Games team. I'm mostly searching for players but I never knew it can be so stressful. I'm worried if  MASCA Queensland's upcoming events would fail and I feel like I have a responsibility to not make it a failure. I feel accountable most of the time, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way.

I have neglected my studies so bad. I didn't submit one minor essay. I did not do 2 of my weekly policy briefs. I have an overdue major essay which amounts up to 45% of my grade. I have an essay due tomorrow that is still in its draft form. But I can't make myself do any of it. Idk how to write a proper essay anymore. I can't understand whatever I read. I feel like I have to restart all my essay writing skills but it's too late now. I'm just hoping to pass all to my subjects :<

Tbh, I never knew I could worry so much. At most of times, I can just jump into another topic without signalling the people involved in the conversation. I can't focus because I'm focused on a lot of things. I can laugh or/and cry so easily now (even cat videos make me cry). It's pretty obvious that my head's wrapped around so many things that I wish to resolve all at once but I can't. And all of this makes me more anxious.

I don't have anxiety attacks. In fact, I don't know how they are like. But I do get my nightmares whenever I sleep. So, I've never had a proper, fully rested kind of sleep. This has made me more tired, and I sleep a lot now. Sooooo, the cycle continues.

I feel like there's something missing but idk what it is. I know I have to get my shit together. I cannot fail a subject. I must pass. But I don't think I'm able to :< I feel like I've let myself down because I couldn't manage my time properly and for taking up a lot of work that I know I can't handle.

I'm not saying being a part of MASCA is a bad thing. It's definitely not. But I find it unfair that some of us are doing a lot more than anyone else. I feel pressured because I am responsible for getting more money for this organization but I can't do anything about if people turn down my offer. I do feel responsible for bringing in a lot of opportunities for the students here because they have so much potential and they can contribute a lot to a company and I don't want that to go to waste. But I have to refine my search area and search for organizations that are a bit more viable. And as much as I say that I will be away from any MASCA-related work, we all know it's a lie. I tried muting the Whatsapp group for a week but I just had to spam the group with irrelevant (they are relevant to me) things on the second day. Ha ha ha.

I don't want to fail but it's too late to do anything about it now. I think all I can do is soldier up and do well for my finals. I just want to pass.

Have a nice day ♥

I WANNA BE A BILLIONAIRE, SO FREAKING BAD

Whitsunday Island, QLD. Thanks Momentum for hooking me up with gorgeous views like this.

Today, I headed to the city after class with my good friend, Aidiq. On our way back, we stopped by a convenience store so that I can reload my Go Card (Queensland's version of Touch n' Go but can only be used for public transports). We saw a scratchie and written on it was, "if you're lucky, you just might win $1,000,000!". We thought that it'd be pretty sick if we just buy one, and who knows we might just get lucky. But we didn't buy it because 'judi' is haram, my brothers and sisters.

While on or way to the bus stop to head back home, Aidiq asked me what will I do if I received a million dollars. And it had me thinking... this could be a great blog post, just talking about all the things I want to do with the money lol. I know it sounds like a really bad post but I just have to do this since I'm trying my best to blog more now hehe.

"Apa kau nak buat dengan duit tu eh? Kalau convert pun, kau dapat around hmm, MYR3,000,000. Banyak gila kot duit tu."

NOW EXCUSE ME IF I SOUND RUDE

Back then, I always had this aspiration to learn more about Islam. Maybe take up Syariah or learn about the history of Islam. I guess it's because I thought that if I know more about Islam, I would eventually fall in love with it and lead a life just how Allah wants us to do. Just like the Malay saying goes, "tak kenal, maka tak cinta" (to love is to know). Islam itself has so many branches underneath it, even if I had an eternal lifetime to learn all of it, I doubt I would have learned it all. However, the history of Islam is what I am most interested in. I get to learn about what the people did back then in order to fight for their religion. I get to know what our scholars and warriors did to develop not just the religion, but also its believers. I want to know what made us fall so bad 'til it's difficult for us to get back up and be strong like how we were back then (I heard we conquered 1/3 of the world. WOW!). I want to find out how the pioneers of Islam had the motivation to do what they did because it's truly amazing how they could sacrifice themselves for Islam—because I find that hard to do. And if I could and have all the money in the world, I would definitely love love love to travel to countries and cities that has traces of Islam such as Spain, Turkey, Cordoba, Granada, Iran, Saudi Arabia (obvs you can't miss this), and many more.

But I remember how a lot of people gave me odd stares and a lot of people told me that it will never work because of how I am—not that pious, of course. They told me to fix myself first, then go chase after that dream. They said that it was impossible for me to embrace what I learn if I don't change. But the thing is, the fact that I wanted to learn more about my religion showed that there is a want in me to change, but most probably not in a route that people usually take. What they had said to me really discouraged me from pursuing my dream. It deterred me from wanting to know more. It doused the passion in me to fall in love with my religion. Because of that, I forget my desire to learn and look where I am now. I believe that I am nowhere close to God nor would I get to smell the beautiful scent of Jannah. Islam is beautiful but unfortunately, some of its people are not painting it in a good color.

A lot of things went through my mind. I question why did they do that to me back then? Why did you not believe that I could change? Why did you told me to quit dreaming? Was having a dream to learn about Islam, although the way I appear is not similar to what you think a Muslimah should be, is wrong? What was it about my dream that was so different than who I am? Was it really peculiar that just because I don't look pious, it means that I am forbidden to learn about my religion?

I didn't like how my own peers discouraged me. It wasn't even productive anyway. I understood that one of the ways for us to perform jihad is by learning and gaining knowledge and I believed—note, it is no longer a big passion or desire—that with my dream, I'll gain a whole new set of understanding and experience and perhaps, get a more solid grasp on Islam itself. Despite the fact that I am not having the same aspiration that I used to have before, I'm still trying to change but it's a bit harder because I don't have that number one drive that makes me want to not take my time. I am really, really taking my time and I swear trying to change the way I dress is hard (especially when clothes nowadays are mostly transparent, tight and/or cropped). But I'll soldier on and learn to dress modestly—what I meant by modest is wear more clothes that doesn't show my body shape i.e, loose clothes. I'm doing it step by step, I'm just uncertain of how long this thing would take for me to change, accept and embrace.

I urge people out there to not stop people from dreaming or from pursuing something just because their appearance and character do not resemble exactly like their dream. Humans have different motivations and different reasons. They have distinctive behaviors and characteristics. Just because they don't fit into your view of what a matter should be, does not mean they should be completely shut out from it. In fact, why stop them if their dream is for something better? Be supportive and don't be hostile to them. You can never know if your words can completely kill someone's dream (and that's bad on so many levels!). So, take a lesson to what had happened to me. It's such a shame that I no longer have a profound interest in the history of Islam. It's such a waste of time telling someone that they can't do something just because you cannot measure their ability in doing it (what am I saying?). Really, just be supportive and never say "NO!" to anyone's dream—unless it's a bad dream that is against moral values and religion or whatever that makes it a bad one, then please stop them from pursuing it.

Hopefully, you'll get my point and understand what I am trying to share, Remember, spread positivity and kill negativity.

Have a nice day☺

#INSECURITY: SHOULD YOU DO THIS FOR THE IDEAL BODY?

Hi guys. This is going to be a quite serious topic because I'm going to talk about insecurities, particularly about your body. I've heard stuffs about girls starving themselves or eat a little, teensy-weensy piece of food just to get this ideal body that society deems as perfect.

I have this friend, who is going on this diet because that person thinks that the body that person has is fat—and it is so not! I cannot name what kind of diet it is or else, some people would know who I'm talking about—and that ain't good for me and for that person. We don't mind about if that person wants to go on a diet, but the thing that worries us the most is the "diet". That person, currently, only consumes veggies and fruits. Just fibers. No protein or carbs—even fat to that matter! But here's the thing. After doing extensive research—well not that deep, but just getting to know what the diet and all diets make you eat—I found out that her "diet" is wrong.

Now let's bring us back to the time where we learnt about the Pyramid of Foods. I don't think I should explain to you how it is because it's practically a basic thing that we all must know. Again, MUST know. But for the sake of wanting to make this post look a bit more serious, I'll just share to you the essentials of the pyramid. At the topmost hierarchy would be fats, followed by proteins, carbohydrates and fibers respectively. As you go up the pyramid, you should consume less. Now, coming back to the "diet", can you see where it went wrong?

YES, CORRECT!

I know you didn't notice but if you did, claps and pats for you. Yay!

The "diet" is missing out 3/4 of the essential nutrition that the body needs. That person is losing fats, proteins and carbohydrates, which is as important as fiber and minerals. It worries us so bad because we understand that person's need and desire to slim down but the method is definitely wrong. That person attends casual medical checkups and gets advice from doctors but I still find it wrong. I totally get the fact that my friend feels so insecure of the body and weight, but my friend now is losing the roses on them cheeks and is resembling a walking skeleton. I'm very concerned but there's nothing my friends and I can do about it because apparently, the friend stays strong with this stand and her "diet".

But one thing I know that I can do is informing you guys about the right way to slim down or lose weight. Yes, you can go on diets. It is perfectly fine! But it will not be fine if you go overboard with it. There's always a limit to everything—even the free market has its boundaries—so you gotta control it. You have to make sure that the body gets the essential nutrition needed because if you severely lack in either nutrition, you might die. Alright alright, in a less fatal situation, lacking in some of the nutrition can make you prone to various diseases, and that's way worst because you think you're healthy but you're actually not. All diets will need you to take in fats, carbohydrates, protein and fibers but the difference is the amount of each of the nutrition.

I understand that we will at one point feel so insecure about our body, and we tend to do something about it because we want to feel comfortable in our skin. I do it too, except that I can never stick to it because food is just so (inserts wonderful adjectives to describe about food)! But if you want to do it, do it the right way.

I've been in a very dark place before because I wanted my body to be accepted by my peers. I only relied on water, no foods whatsoever. I lost 10kgs in three weeks. It felt good because I lost a lot of weight but then, it felt bad because I was weak, constanly on moodswings and also, I looked ugly. Don't harm yourself and your body because there's no point of wasting such a wonderful, precious life that has so many to offer. Remember, you might not see the aftermath of what you do now, but think about the future if you continue with your bad habit. Would it be worth it?

Have a nice day ♥

REVENGE IS SWEET AND BEST SERVED COLD

I recently successfully managed to find my schoolmates from SK Desa Cemerlang (SKDC). YAYY!! Thank goodness I suddenly had the idea to just search them up on any social sites that I have hehe. Buuuuuuut that's not the thing I wanted to write about.

You see, there's a particular reason why I have been searching them for years. And it's not just because I want to re-connect with them. These people have made an impact in my years when I was a student in SKDC. It's both bad and good but most of it, hilarious and I sort of wanted to avenge for the bad things I'd faced.

I went to a kindergarten where the kids are mostly Chinese and only a minority of them are Malays. So, the main language used would be—yes, you know it—English! So, it's because I was taught in that language and I grew up around it, it made me more comfortable communicating in that language. But things changed when I went to primary school. The majority of them were Malay and most of them gave the vibe that they weren't comfortable speaking in English. It's not that i couldn't speak Bahasa Malaysia at all (I could actually! I talked and screamed in Bahasa Malaysia when I was playing with my neighbors) but I was more used to and more comfortable using English. Even if so, I still tried y'know. I made an effort to not be so shocked with the new culture. However, my efforts weren't enough, I guess. I was taunted, hated and discriminated by my Malay peers. A girl even said "Aku benci kau!" (I hate you) to my face—and she miraculously made into my hate list. Nonetheless, there were still some who were really nice to me. Sadly, one of them died in Ramadhan 2013 due to lymphoma. I didn't even had the chance to say hi to her hmm :(

Back to the real story...

I want to avenge my past (uuuuu sounds so evil). I want to know that I've won. I want to know that I am much, much, much more successful than them. I want to know that the pain I felt back then is worth it. I want them to know that thanks to them, I am where I am. But what do I have to prove in the end? What am I proving? It's not just about self satisfaction, I'm trying to prove that bullies would lose by the end of the day and the victims are pure survivors. It's okay for you to be in your lowest times and be weak because it'll give you time to harvest your strengths and let you focus on your goals.

Yes, I may sound very mean in here and you guys would be like, "Apa masalah perempuan ni?", "Creepy dohh dia ni", "Apa si dia nak sebenarnya?" and/or "Tak baik berdendam" but to me, it's good if you do it for a healthy competition and for an avenue for you to improve yourself. I've been doing this since forever but no worries, kita tak makan hati haha. I'll just remember what you did to me and make sure that you would regret for the things you had said/done to me.

Anyways, please don't think I'm a psycho. Maybe the things that I'm expressing aren't signaling off to you in the correct manner, so we might not be on the same page. Nevertheless, I'll remember you if you made an impact in my life.

Have a nice day ♥

MY INTRODUCTORY SPEECH

What happens when a white light passes through a prism? It'll show you its beautiful colors. What happens when you face a prism? You will finally show your true colors.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm ........... and I was bullied when I was 13 years old and I had to endure that for 2 and half years. I had no friends from my class till I was 15. I remember how nobody wanted to pick me as their group mate, how my pencil box was constantly thrown out of the window and how they threw away my key so that I can't open up my locker. There was even a time when they ganged up on me with the girls from other classes and started to say hate words to my face. That was my prism and I was that plain, ordinary white light. But after passing through that tormentous roadblock (prism), I finally showed my true colors that taught me a lot of things.

Among the things that I learnt from this prism is that you don't live to please people. Because I had no friends of my gender at that time, I did a lot of stuffs to make them like me. For example, I became a suck up and did most of the work in group projects just so they would appreciate me but it didn't turn out as planned. They took most of the credit and blamed me for not doing anything. This showed me that it's not worthy of me sacrificing my own happiness for others if they would still bring you down.

Secondly, I learnt that no one can dictate your life but you. My confidence and self-esteem was entirely crushed while getting through the prism. It came to a point where I would just let them do whatever they want to do to me because I thought that I couldn't get a tight grip on my life until I managed to do extremely well in my exams, which eventually surprised them and shut their mouths up.

Lastly, it taught me that good things really come to those who wait. Although I was nearing to the edge, where I would just give up but I didn't. I became patient and persevered doing what I do best and in the end, it paid off. The bully finally moved out of school -and not to brag or anything- but I achieved more success than they think I could. I managed to soar higher than each and every one of them. And I'm proud of myself for that.

People see roadblocks and prisms as an object unworthy to be a part of your life, but I find it extremely worthy. In fact, I am grateful for being in that situation because it made me stronger by the end of the day and it made me want to prove them wrong from time to time, that I am not what they think I am. By the end of the day, ladies and gentlemen, you should be proud of what you went through and smile because that is what makes you be better than before.

Have a nice day ♥

I AM NOT OK

I bet everyone had fun at INTEC's Mega Raya. No, not me. I just broke down and cried instead of laughing and smiled.

I think it's the first wave, it's just the beginning but I hope it'll end soon. Ugh I can't bear this anymore, blog. I have no one here that I can turn to. I feel so lonely. Yes, I do have friends but none of them are those who I would run to if I want to confide something. It's really hard, blog. I don't even think they like me.

Everytime when we're free in class, I'm always sitting alone and no one approaches me, unlike the others. What makes me so different from them? Do I stink? Am I ugly? Do I have horns on my head ? If we were to form a group, I'm always the last to be chosen and I've never heard anyone screamed, "Yaya, let's form a group together!". Never, unlike the others. No one goes excited when I'm at the front doing a speech or explaining something, unlike the others. What is wrong with me? I know I'm not funny but my remarks are (or so I think...). I just feel isolated, useless and miserable. And these are why I keep myself extremely busy just so I could take my mind off of this crap. I know it's no use thinking about it but if that's what you're facing everyday, please suggest me any kind of form for me to pretend like this is not happening at all.

I never cared about how busy I am or how busy I can get. As long as I'm not thinking of what's happening in class, I am fine with that. But no. It mounted more and more pressure on myself, day by day. I know that I've reached my breaking point but do you know what makes me to keep on persevering and hold myself together and not cry? I feel really vulnerable when I cry. Even though I'm shedding a tear or two, I feel that the walls I built to protect me was taken down piece by piece, showing how weak I am inside. And I'm showing it to everyone. I don't like that. I never liked the idea of showing my vulnerability to others, even to those I'm close to. Somehow, only those who knows me best can see it even if I'm not showing it.

I need that human-to-human relationship. I need that companionship which allows me to just reveal anything I want, anytime and without stigmatizing me and my words. A relationship that makes me feel comfortable to be vulnerable and he/she/they would not use that advantage against me. I am very protective of those who I love but I rarely protect myself. And I guess that is the reason why I'm scared. I'm not talking about commitments or even a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a friendship that I have never had or maybe I did, but it got lost while we grew up. The kind of friendship that would never abandon me or abase my dignity in any way and would always be there for me, no matter what. I do not want that relationship, I need that relationship. I hope I'll get to have it soon, in the most unexpected, unconventional way possible. That may sound like a start of a wonderful friendship, don't you think ?

Hope you have this kind of relationship :)

Have a nice day ♥

FRIEND OR FOE?

I have this classmate of mine and her name's Annalisa Iryanna, but we call her Lisa.

She's a bit smaller than me but not short. She has skinny legs and has fair skin. She hails all the way from Seremban, Negeri Sembilan. I like her accent especially when she talks in English. Ooh yes, I envy that. I envy that a lot. And no, I shall not post a picture of her here without her consent lol.

You see, we had a spontaneous oral communication test today and you've to give a speech about a meaningful object to yourself. Lisa talked about this normal exercise book which, it was lost then found, a teacher wrote a meaningful note for her and that changed who Lisa was in that time. From a timid girl, she no longer became shy. Because of that note, she gained her self-confidence and she is the Lisa that I see today. Her speech was so smooth and in some way, was as if she was story-telling to the whole class, made me feel threatened haha. Yes, I am dead serious.

But then again, I don't have the skills to give a speech especially when it comes to public speaking. My humor is so dry. And the way I deliver a speech is like me debating. That sucks.

These are the reasons why I felt threatened. It was because I felt I was not in anyway, compatible at all nor was I the best competitor for her. I felt that she towers over me in almost every class and that irritates me, really. I don't like being second best.

So, what do I have to do now ?

Looks like I need to make sure that I score as good as her or maybe, higher than her (omg I think it really shows how competitive I am). But hey, it's a healthy competition. We're not fighting or anything (maybe we are in our minds...). I don't see how beneficial it is to me and to Lisa if we were to bring one another down. That's just wrong dude. We should promote a conducive environment for you to study in.

I'm gonna make it happen. 'It' referring to scoring as good as my competition or hopefully, better and in order for me to achieve that is to make sure I study smart and focus to make it happen!

Have a nice day ♥

Update: In Eidulfitri 2014, I found out that Lisa is the daughter of my dad's childhood bestfriend. And her family is very close to my Nanny, my dad's mom. She also went through the things I experienced with regards to being ostracized because of our English. Ahhh the wonders in life.

#MYSPMMEMOIR: DON'T LET YOUR SPM RESULT KILL YOUR SPIRIT

I can still recall how broken I was when it came to my senses that I didn't get straight A's. It took me days, not weeks, to lift up my broken spirit. Ramizah, Alif and Haris tried everything they could to cheer me up again lol. Make it Starbucks, lunch, McD or rock climbing, it failed. And I can say, it took me a looooong time to recover from that one B+. Yes, a long time for just one teensy-weensy grade that failed to list me as those who successfully scored straight A's in SPM. But you know what, I'm grateful for it because some people out there, though they did achieve straight A's but failed to get offers like I did. I managed to get a placing for matriculation in Pahang (rejected it...), a spot to further foundation in IIUM (rejected it too..) and an offer to further my studies in International Relations under the American Degree Foundation Programme.

Not to brag or anything, but I got every single thing that I had asked for and Alhamdulillah, everything's going on well.

I am proud because  during our Eminent's Graduation Day, i'm the only one who scored 8A's but will be flying in two years time. Even most of those who scored straight A's didn't get what they wanted. Thank God I did, Alhamdulillah. Maybe that 8A's marks the end of my playful years as a high school student hehe. Who knows, right ?

But that's not the point of me writing this.

Point is, to those of you out there who are still going to school in those school uniforms, don't make your grades bad like mine. It took me months to get over it. Trust me, it's a feeling/situation you don't wanna be in.  So, study hard and make sure you score because that SPM result is your gateway to a good tertiary education. Life later on takes off from there.

It may sound contradictive since it opposes the idea that 'grades don't shape who you are' but guess what ? It does. Although not huge of an impact, but it does. So, you must always make sure that your curricular is as high as your co-curricular (yes, very very important !) cuz scholars nowadays don't want bookworms. They want a student who's a jack of all trades instead a master of one.

What now ? That is one question you've to figure out yourself, my friend and make sure that answer leads you to success and to a better life.

Have a nice day ♥

I FOUND MY PRISM, HOW ABOUT YOU?

See how amazing a prism turns one light into a beautiful rainbow ?

Sometimes I wish that I'm the light and one day I would bump into a prism so that everyone can really see that I'm not just another girl, I can show my true colours. Maybe I had but the rainbow stayed for a little while before it disappear. But nonetheless, I will still keep on searching for that prism eagerly.

I remember how it feels like when no one cared about you and when you have no one to turn to. I remember exactly how it feels like being underestimated and when you really feel like giving up. Yes, I'm talking about 2008.

It sucked a lot, I can't even describe it in words. I remember how timid I felt in class and how much I wanted to get out from school because I hate seeing their faces everyday and I hate how good of an act they had put up. But then, it was my fault. I let them bring me down. I let myself believe that I am inferior. I allowed myself to believe that they were in any way, better than me.

I realized that was wrong and I told myself to get out of this mess a.s.a.p. I can still recall their faces when I managed to score in everything I did. And i can still remember how they reacted when I proved to them that I won't play the game on their terms. And maybe it was this situation that became my prism.

Lol look where I'm standing them now. I thought I never did win the war but I guess I did. And maybe I did find my prism after all.

Have a nice day ♥