A NASTY MORNING THOUGHT

This photo of a sunflower field was taken by the writer at Toowoomba, QLD in January 2016.

It has been raining for close to 5 hours now in Brisbane and it's not showing any signs of stopping anytime soon. I was woken up by sounds of slamming and banging, and things breaking. So I headed out to the living room with my roommate (woke my roommate up because I was scared of the dark and it was storming outside, which scared me more) to check if our things at the balcony are safe.

After that, I couldn't sleep anymore. I was having some really nasty thoughts in my head.

You see, it's June now (a.k.a. my favorite month of the year cuz you know *wink*) and I had two classmates back in school that had birthdays two days and a day before mine. So 6th, 7th and 8th of June will be like a triple birthday celebration for our class and our batch.

But the thing is, I felt betrayed by the girl who was born on the 6th of June. Why? She didn't like me and personally, I felt that she caused all the troubles I faced  in school when I was 13.

We were group mates during orientation week. She hugged me and clung on to me most of the time. We clicked. But as the days passed by, I realized that she didn't like me and she started this 'movement' to cast me away in class. She managed to influence two classes but only the girls (phew!). So I made friends with the boys, I was particularly close with Arief and Shazwan.

The things the girls did to me were nasty. I remember they threw my pencil box out of the window when I wasn't around. It happened numerous times. I remember she stole my History scrapbook that was due. She kept it in her locker. How did I know it was missing? I finally tidied up my desk but later found that it was rummaged during recess and somebody she took my scrapbook. All the girls wore color-coordinated baju kurung for night prep, except for me (the boys saw what was happening that time). I felt humiliated that night when the boys asked me what was going on. One of the girls slammed a plate of curry puffs to me when it was time to break our fast. The time when I was confronted by my 'penghuluwati' for always meeting my boyfriend (padahal dia tu sama je), and that 6th of June girl was there to witnessed it (she talked the girl to do it because they were a clique). I remember when we had our first exam result and I got 16th in class. The girls flocked the front part of the classroom just to check their grades and I heard they told one of them to check mine. I heard they screamed and laughed "ENAM BELAS!! Takdelah pandai mana pun. (Sixteenth!! Guess she's not so smart after all)". I remember one of the girls, A, tried to tell me to be careful because they'll do it to me too (they were doing the same thing to her at the time). She tried to tell me many times but the other girls managed to stop her. 

Oh, I was so furious but I kept it all inside.

It came to a point where I really wanted to move schools. I hated the girls in my class so much. I could feel them being cold and mean to me, although they're smiling and talking to me like everything's fine. I remember that I constantly made trips to the clinic because I didn't want to be in class. I just didn't want to be around the girls but I can't because they were my classmates and I'm stuck with them for 2 more years. I remember a doctor who always treated my 'sickness' told me to be strong because "good things come to those who wait". He asked the nurse to leave the room so that we can have a little chat. I remember breaking down in front of him when he asked me why do I keep coming when I know that I'm fine.  I was denied a lot of opportunities because information never or barely reached me (it got cut off by the girls). I didn't feel welcomed. I never felt welcomed.

It's not like I didn't have friends. I did but they were from another class. They were more accepting and they also saw what's going on. And it's not that I didn't make girl friends in my class either. I did, I was close to my desk mate, R. But I felt betrayed because she was sort of a part of the 'movement' too. Fortunately, I found other healthy avenues to help me distract myself from the things I was facing in class. I was happy with debate because I get to voice out my opinions, unlike with what's happening in the class. And I felt welcomed. It wasn't just an escape, it was home.

But that's not the thought that ripped me to pieces this morning.

I kept thinking of how the girls felt being a part of it. Did they feel guilty? Did they feel satisfied? Were they proud of their actions and the things they've said? Were they honestly sincere when they apologised to me?

We're all over it now, except for me. I guess the reason why it's so hard for me to get over it was because I didn't get proper closure from the girls. It was left there and never was questioned or talked about. It's not enough for me because I need to know why, how and what. I need closure in order to feel that the issue is resolved. I just want to know how it felt like for them to be a part of it. I want to know if they had sympathy. It pained me all these years because I never had the courage to ask. I know asking such things would entail to more emotional conflict and I'm pretty emotionally messed up right now. I cry when I think about the things they did to me. I never managed to confront any of them back then. I was scared and scarred. It took me a long time to be close with the girls, 4 years to be exact. And it's still hard now because I feel like there's this wall that I just can't climb over because I ever got my closure. It was hard for me to make peace with them because I felt that it was difficult for me to build a proper relationship with them without thinking of the horrible things they did. I couldn't shake it off my mind. I always blamed their actions being the sole reason why it's hard for me to have close girl friends.

However, after an emotional confrontation with my ex-desk mate a few minutes ago (a lot of crying happened), I know now that not everyone was as cruel as I thought they were. Not everyone was fully committed to the 'movement'. Not everyone liked what they were doing. And that some people had a sense of guilt. Not everyone liked the 6th of June girl (the boys hated her). Not everyone was against me, some people actually stood up for me. And not everyone understood what they were doing and why were they doing it at the age of 13. And with this little information, albeit from one person, I can, perhaps, let go of the pain bit by bit.

To some, closure holds little meaning to them but to me, closure is integral for me to move on. I need to understand what happened from all sides so that I can be forgive them and forgive myself, and hopefuly forge good relations with everyone involved. I don't like to hold grudges because I know that it can eat me up from the inside.

And as I write towards the end of this post, the storm outside is starting to recede, much like the storm that has long rained within me. The weather still looks gloomy and is predicted to rain all day, but I won't let my emotions be the same like the weather today.

Have a nice day ♥

P/S just in case you're wondering what happened to the 6th of June girl, she moved out from school at the age of 15. The doctor was right. Good things do come to those who wait.