August 3, 2017

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY



This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?

Suicide is such a heavy topic to talk about, what more think about. I contemplate between continue to live and fight each day, or just die and end everything. I didn't know that it was a serious issue until I met my doctor. I thought having thoughts like this is normal. I mean, they're just thoughts, not voices. And I don't have the urge to kill myself... yet. So I didn't see it as a big issue. Plus, I don't feel off. I feel great, to be honest. I've been great for more than a month now. Yes, I have other pressing issues that needs my attention but I haven't felt broken. The kind of broken that I would just lay in bed  all day and stay up all night because I worry too much. The kind that keeps me confined in my house and see everything with much hostility. I feel great. Socializing does not tire me as much as it did before. Still, there were days when I was really, really off but I managed to keep myself together. But why am I having these thoughts?

I feel bad for the people that has to make sure that I'm safe. I feel like a total burden to them now because I'm adding more load to their already high pile of work. I don't want to trouble anyone, that's why I kept it to myself. I thought it will go away if I pretend like it didn't exist in my mind. I don't want anyone to worry. I don't want people to see me as 'dangerous' or 'at risk'. I don't want people to think that I'm weird. I swear I didn't know it wasn't normal to have these thoughts. I thought it was something that people go through. I didn't expect it to be this serious.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow or next week (depending on how sick the doctor is). At this stage, I really don't know what to think. I feel numb and shocked. Everything happened so fast at the clinic and suddenly I became a priority to the staffs. I just couldn't understand what was going on. All I remember was my doctor telling me that things will be alright, I will get better and I am in safe hands. But if you happen to bump into me, please don't look at me weirdly or ask me if I'm okay. I feel okay but it turns out I'm not okay. So I don't really know if I'm okay or not and I really don't know what 'okay' means anymore.


Have a nice day



3 comments:

  1. You're doing a great work yourself. Writing about this needs courage and you're definitely not lacking in that area. The transparency and honesty ought to be appreciated.

    I have had thoughts about suicide. Knowing how easy it would be to leave everything behind is appealing. However, it is because of this very reason I can't give in. It is selfish and those suffering the consequences won't end with my life ending. Tears will be sheds and crushing guilt will weigh down the hearts of those who cared about us. We escaped but the living never forgets.

    Life will keep throwing at you things and there will be times when you can't cope. Suicide becomes this pesky fly who conveniently buzzes in at our most vulnerable whispering a simple solution. Nevertheless, in an act of defiance we can persevere.

    Tell that lil' piece of sh1t, no not today and not ever. I have so much to live for. I am still a son to loving parents, a friend to those in need and most importantly a beacon of inspiration to those facing the same struggle.

    Suicide happens when one cease to see any hope for him/herself in the future. Or when he/she can't find a point in living. Which is why you need to find something to hold onto.

    For me, it's my dreams and ambitions. I believe in them too much to leave them as dreams and ambitions.

    I may know not you personally and the reasons for your thinking about suicide (you never explicitly outlined it/them in your post). I do hope that at the very least, in writing this response you acknowledge that I care. People do.

    I sincerely wish you find the strength to move past this. It's not easy but it's not impossible. I will end this with this mantra I found from the book When Breath Becomes Air:

    I can't go on. I will go on.

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  2. You're not alone. We're in same boat.

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  3. I once feel like that. Love your writing!

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