September 7, 2013

I AM NOT OK



I bet everyone had fun at INTEC's Mega Raya. No, not me. I just broke down and cried instead of laughing and smiled.

I think it's the first wave, it's just the beginning but I hope it'll end soon. Ugh I can't bear this anymore, blog. I have no one here that I can turn to. I feel so lonely. Yes, I do have friends but none of them are those who I would run to if I want to confide something. It's really hard, blog. I don't even think they like me.

Everytime when we're free in class, I'm always sitting alone and no one approaches me, unlike the others. What makes me so different from them? Do I stink? Am I ugly? Do I have horns on my head ? If we were to form a group, I'm always the last to be chosen and I've never heard anyone screamed, "Yaya, let's form a group together!". Never, unlike the others. No one goes excited when I'm at the front doing a speech or explaining something, unlike the others. What is wrong with me? I know I'm not funny but my remarks are (or so I think...). I just feel isolated, useless and miserable. And these are why I keep myself extremely busy just so I could take my mind off of this crap. I know it's no use thinking about it but if that's what you're facing everyday, please suggest me any kind of form for me to pretend like this is not happening at all.

I never cared about how busy I am or how busy I can get. As long as I'm not thinking of what's happening in class, I am fine with that. But no. It mounted more and more pressure on myself, day by day. I know that I've reached my breaking point but do you know what makes me to keep on persevering and hold myself together and not cry? I feel really vulnerable when I cry. Even though I'm shedding a tear or two, I feel that the walls I built to protect me was taken down piece by piece, showing how weak I am inside. And I'm showing it to everyone. I don't like that. I never liked the idea of showing my vulnerability to others, even to those I'm close to. Somehow, only those who knows me best can see it even if I'm not showing it.

I need that human-to-human relationship. I need that companionship which allows me to just reveal anything I want, anytime and without stigmatizing me and my words. A relationship that makes me feel comfortable to be vulnerable and he/she/they would not use that advantage against me. I am very protective of those who I love but I rarely protect myself. And I guess that is the reason why I'm scared. I'm not talking about commitments or even a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a friendship that I have never had or maybe I did, but it got lost while we grew up. The kind of friendship that would never abandon me or abase my dignity in any way and would always be there for me, no matter what. I do not want that relationship, I need that relationship. I hope I'll get to have it soon, in the most unexpected, unconventional way possible. That may sound like a start of a wonderful friendship, don't you think ?


Hope you have this kind of relationship :)



Have a nice day