August 3, 2017

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY



This post may or may not shock you, but I just have to let this out.

I have been having thoughts about suicide. Just thoughts, not voices. But I haven't had the urge to act on it. And that's great, I guess.

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it's something I can push aside and not think about, and hope that it will get suppressed after some time. The thoughts don't come knocking on my mind everyday. It's sporadic. Sometimes it just stops by to remind me that it's still hanging around. And sometimes, it will knock on my door until I open it to make sure its presence is known. The thing that I hate the most about it is that it doesn't come at night now, it comes anytime it wants.

I live on the 6th floor and it provides me an amazing view of the sunrise and sunset. I love it so much. It's one of the reasons why I still wanted to continue renting this house. But it's also quite dangerous. Why? Because there are times when I think about  the odds of me being dead if I jump off from the 6th floor. Will I die or will I live? What if I continue to live? I'm gonna feel the pain of that big leap. I'll get hospitalized. My parents are gonna be devastated. I will feel my broken bones and my broken soul in a living body. But what if I just jump? What if that jump kills me instantly? What if?

July 5, 2017

MY ANXIETY



I have a problem, and it's a problem that I am still in denial with.

I have anxiety but I don't consider mine as a critical one because I know those who has it far worse than mine. But still, it is a problem and it might be worse than what I thought. And it's a problem that I can't fully accept even until today.

Both my doctors and my counselor said that I have anxiety, specifically "performance anxiety", as told by my counselor. I'm on antidepressant (Lexapro━a type of SSRI) now and thank God the side effects are gone. The first few weeks were hell for me. I was nauseous. I lost my appetite. I vomited. I was really drowsy after taking the pill. I couldn't do work. I was bed-ridden the first week of taking it. There were times when I didn't want to take it all because I didn't want to feel sick. And there were times I felt like I wanted to take more than one pill because I want my body to get used to it as soon as it could. But thank God it's all over now. My body has adapted to it. Goodbye nausea! But now I'm also taking Valium. It relaxes my muscles from continuously feeling tensed. It helps me get a good sleep.  I haven't had any good sleep in the past month. Sometimes I take a pill or two if I'm starting to feel on edge. But sometimes I don't take it because I don't want to be reliant on it.