May 13, 2016

I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER



I think I just need to get this off of my chest before I start doing my overdue assignments.

I have been very anxious lately. It's not just about being anxious with my assignments, it's also about being anxious with my commitments. I've been worrying so much with my MASCA work until I neglected my studies, which has made me more anxious. And now, I am managing, well indirectly managing 2 sports, 3 sports for Queensland MASA Games team. I'm mostly searching for players but I never knew it can be so stressful. I'm worried if  MASCA Queensland's upcoming events would fail and I feel like I have a responsibility to not make it a failure. I feel accountable most of the time, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way.

I have neglected my studies so bad. I didn't submit one minor essay. I did not do 2 of my weekly policy briefs. I have an overdue major essay which amounts up to 45% of my grade. I have an essay due tomorrow that is still in its draft form. But I can't make myself do any of it. Idk how to write a proper essay anymore. I can't understand whatever I read. I feel like I have to restart all my essay writing skills but it's too late now. I'm just hoping to pass all to my subjects :<

Tbh, I never knew I could worry so much. At most of times, I can just jump into another topic without signalling the people involved in the conversation. I can't focus because I'm focused on a lot of things. I can laugh or/and cry so easily now (even cat videos make me cry). It's pretty obvious that my head's wrapped around so many things that I wish to resolve all at once but I can't. And all of this makes me more anxious.

I don't have anxiety attacks. In fact, I don't know how they are like. But I do get my nightmares whenever I sleep. So, I've never had a proper, fully rested kind of sleep. This has made me more tired, and I sleep a lot now. Sooooo, the cycle continues.

I feel like there's something missing but idk what it is. I know I have to get my shit together. I cannot fail a subject. I must pass. But I don't think I'm able to :< I feel like I've let myself down because I couldn't manage my time properly and for taking up a lot of work that I know I can't handle.

I'm not saying being a part of MASCA is a bad thing. It's definitely not. But I find it unfair that some of us are doing a lot more than anyone else. I feel pressured because I am responsible for getting more money for this organization but I can't do anything about if people turn down my offer. I do feel responsible for bringing in a lot of opportunities for the students here because they have so much potential and they can contribute a lot to a company and I don't want that to go to waste. But I have to refine my search area and search for organizations that are a bit more viable. And as much as I say that I will be away from any MASCA-related work, we all know it's a lie. I tried muting the Whatsapp group for a week but I just had to spam the group with irrelevant (they are relevant to me) things on the second day. Ha ha ha.

I don't want to fail but it's too late to do anything about it now. I think all I can do is soldier up and do well for my finals. I just want to pass.


Have a nice day